Meet You at the Graveyard.

Chapter Nine

I keep visiting your grave more and more. It just makes me want to be with you more and more.

I know father is still mad at me, so I'm just trying to stay away from him, and I'm trying to stay away from my thoughts.

But I can't.

Why. Why can't he just hate me like everyone else? I've pushed everyone away other than Phillip, so why must he out of all people try to talk to me?

I even pushed away Larry. So why you?

I run a hand through my hair, something I do when I'm stressed and overwhelmed. Why can't he leave me alone?

Why was Phillip gone the one day I ended up needing him most? Why did Sal have to notice? Why did I feel calmer talking to him? Why did I feel like... Like he understood me.

Nobody understands me. Especially not Sal.

I stare blankly at her grave, trying to not think about today. Or of yesterday. I never want to think of yesterday again. The thought makes me want to scream.

"Mom, I don't know what to do." I repeat the same words from days ago. Because I truly don't know anything anymore.

It's all an endless, painful, repeating cycle. One day, it will just kill me. He will just kill me.

"Mom, I'm so tired." I whisper, my eyes glossing over with tears. Father told me when I was young that men don't cry, they don't show their weaknesses, but... I can't help it sometimes.

Sometimes, it gets so bad I can't stop myself. I remember one time it was so bad I started crying in front of Phillip.

I'll never forget that day. He had beat me so badly that I had ran to Phillip's after he passed out on the couch, and the moment I saw Phillip I burst into tears like a child.

The anger and sadness on Phillip's face that day... I never saw him like that.

That was one of the only days we ever actually talked about it.

I knew that I would start crying, but I didn't realize that I was now sobbing, small gasps and groans leaving my throat as I grip my sweater, gritting my teeth.

I slam my fist against my thigh as my head falls to the ground, the grass cool against my forehead.

Stop crying. You look like a fucking child. Stop crying.

I slam my fist again and again against my thigh, but the tears don't stop, my sobs don't stop, the pain doesn't stop.

A loud sob that I didn't know I was capable of left my throat, my lips parting as the sound echoes in my ears.

Please God, save me from this pain.

~~~

When I walked back home, father's car was gone, then I spotted Phillip on my steps, sitting there, his eyes on me.

"What are you doing here?" I force a smile, then I stop, knowing he can see through my lies, so there's no point.

"Sal called me."

I pause, the name making my heart pound a bit faster. "What? Why?"

"He said it was stupid for him to call me, but he said that there was something wrong with you today."

My heart drops. I didn't want to talk about this. Not now. Not to Phillip, and definitely not to Sal.

"Well, I'm fine, so... You can go home."

"Bullshit, Travis."

I slowly walk towards the steps before sitting down next to Phillip. "Why do you care so much?"

"Because you're my best friend, Travis. We've been friends since we were kids. I'll always care about you." Phillip replies, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. "What happened?"

I cover my face with my hands so that I don't have to look at Phillip. I knew he wouldn't budge, so I knew I would have to tell him at least something.

"I uh... You already know, so why are you asking?" I ask, a small, hollow chuckle leaving my lips.

"Because I want you to be able to talk about it and get it off your chest. You shouldn't bottle up your feelings like this, Travis."

I shake my head, my hands dropping as I look over at Phillip. "It's the same shit that always happens, I can deal with it."

I want him to stop talking. I want him to go away. This day is so fucking shitty so why does Phillip have to be here now?

"Travis, calm down." Phillip's voice softens, and I look away, taking a deep breath.

I don't deserve Phillip. "I'm sorry. But I'm fine, really. I was just... Tired." I shrug, and Phillip simply nods.

He knows I'm lying, and I know he knows, but Phillip also knows not to push me if I don't want to budge, and today I will not be budging.

"He'll be back soon, probably. So, you should go." I say after a moment of silence and he sighs in response before standing up.

"I'm always here for you, Travis." Phillip smiles softly, and I could see the sadness in his eyes.

Why does everyone keep saying that?

When Phillip walks away, I just sit on the steps for a little while longer before heading inside.

I don't understand why everyone keeps saying the same things to me. I don't want them to be "there for me". Fuck, I don't even want them to talk about it with me. They don't understand me, so why must they act like they do?