Letters I Can't Send

18

Y/n's POV

We kissed. It's completely insane and barbaric, and we have to keep it a secret. We will keep it a secret. Not to mention his relationship with Pansy—we'll keep it well hidden.

It's the last day of term and everyone is packing their things to board the train and go home.

"Ah, what a year, huh?" Quinn says to me as she plops onto my newly made bed. No, I haven't told her about the kiss yet, but I've barely had a moment alone with her for the past two weeks, and when I have, all the courage of telling her slips away. I have made a promise to myself that I'll tell on the train today.

I hum in mild agreement. "What a year..." I repeat, as all the memories of year coming crashing back to me. There were the good times—and the bad. Scenes from the alleyway hit me like a punch to the stomach, and terror comes flooding back, making me feel a bit lightheaded and dizzy. I take a deep breath and the memories of him stroking my hair in the Great Hall as I lay my head in his lap, him checking if I was alright, examining my back for me. The better memories with him. I almost smile, but then us kissing smacks me in the face and the smile fades. It's a secret.

I'd say I regret it, but I won't say I didn't enjoy it in the moment. I'm not crazy, but you could call that my first kiss—and not a 40-year-old-man who raped me in an alleyway in Hogsmeade. It sounds much better.

So, yes, I regret it now, and yes, it was a bit of scandalous fun for those few seconds his lips were on mine.

..........

The bustle of every Hogwarts student trying to get to the train is absolute chaos—Quinn and I link arms as an attempt to keep us together, but somehow, we still get separated.

I curse under my breath when I look around the crowd for her, jumping to see above the sea of bodies. I quickly decide to just find her on the train, so I follow the people onto the train, and look through every compartment for her, but no such luck.

I reach the end of the train is hopes of finding Quinn, but it's completely empty. I sigh in frustration. We must have just missed each other.

"Lost, are we, Ellis?" I hear a familiar voice says, the smirk prominent in his tone. I turn slowly to see Malfoy with his hands lazily in his pockets and his blonde hair falling over his eyes just a bit. I try not to study him for too long.

"I thought we agreed we weren't talking," I mutter and avoid eye contact with him as I try to push past him.

"Hey, well we never agreed to anything, just not to tell anyone about our little secret," I stop and listen to him, my back still facing him.

"I thought we were going to forget about that too," I say with a bit of edge to my voice. I hear him huff and shift on his feet from behind me.

"Probably for the best, of course," I can feel his staring at he back of my head and I can't stand it. I turn to face him fully.

He's closer to me than I thought—he's staring down at me with an unreadable expression. "For the best," I repeat his words, though they don't feel as true as I want them to be.

I've made the mistake of looking at his eyes. The eyes that make me want stare into them for the rest of my life. I try to keep the look of stubborn determination on my face, keep myself from looking desperate or something that would give away my façade of not wanting to forget—despite what I've told myself.

Then, my face is in his hands and he's kissing me again. I hate how I melt into it so easily. I hate how I don't pull away and let him kiss me like he's been holding in this kiss since the last one we had. I put my hands lightly on his wrists and kiss him back in the same way he is to me.