What We Lost

the doe

I awoke from my sleep to Grayson shaking my shoulder.

"Vivian, wake up!" He whispers quickly.
I jolt forwards, startled. "What? What's wrong?"

"It's hunting day!" He announces with a smile. I groan, burying my face back into my pillow.

"I thought it was an emergency, Grayson." I grumbled sleepily.
"Wake up. Preys not gonna catch itself." He pats my back.

I roll out of bed dramatically, going to my closet. "Wear layers. It's cold out." He says. I pick out a pair of jeans, a crew neck, and a vest. "Go in the other room while I change." I mutter, shooing him out the door and closing it. I undress from my comfy pajama set and into the clothes I picked out. I walk over to my standing mirror. "This will do." I say to myself.

I open the door and step out, going to find Grayson. He's not in the guest room anymore. My brows furrow as I go downstairs and check the rest of the rooms. Where is he? An anxious feeling bubbles up my stomach. "Grayson?" I call out, voice thin.

"Down here!" He shouts up from the basement. I sigh with relief, walking down the rickety set of stairs and into the basement.

"You scared me." I say, crossing my arms. He looks over at me and grins. "What, you think Id randomly just leave?"

"I don't know." I say, my cheeks growing hot with embarrassment. "What are you doing down here anyways?" I ask.

"Looking for bullets. Duh. 5 isn't gonna do us any good. We might come across walkers before we can even get there." He says, browsing the large metal shelves that were up against the brick walls. "That's what you call them? Walkers?" I say, pulling down the black briefcase case from the middle of the shelf.

"Yeah. Walkers." He looks down at the case and his brows furrow. "Is this yours?" He pulls it open, revealing the indent where the gun used to be and a few rounds of bullets.
"Wasn't always." I murmur, my hands fidgeting at my sides. When I don't think about what happened, I'm fine. But it's so much worse talking about it. "It was my older brothers." I say simply, trying to keep my voice from cracking at the mention of him. Grayson seemed to notice and didn't say anything else about it.

"This will be plenty for today's trip. I wish I had a hunting gun but we have to use what we've got, I guess." He says, drawing his handgun from his belt and shifting a round into it. I watch him in admiration. He made it look easy, like he'd done it a million times.

He was right. It was cold outside that day. My breath creates white puffs of smoke in the air as we leave the porch, and start down the street. I stay close to his side, holding my gun in hand. "Lucky for us, it's early. There won't be many Walkers out yet." He says, looking at me, as if he noticed my unease. That was the thing about Grayson. He seemed to know just what I was feeling, and what to say to relieve it.

"Good." I say. After a few minutes walk he takes a detour from the street into the brush. There was a small forest by the neighborhood that held lots of wildlife. I follow as we make our way into it. I had only been in the forest a few times, when I was little. Me and Lucas would play amongst the trees, pretending we were explorers from a vast country looking for endangered species.

There's a loud rustling to the left of us, and I startle, stepping back. He raises his gun, standing in front of me. My heart pounds wildly in my chest. Then, out pops a rabbit. Before Grayson can shoot it bounds back into the bushes. He sighs with frustration. I continue forward, listening closely for any signs of movement. I look below me, checking the ground for tracks.

"Let's sit. Let it come to us." He says, sitting on a log on the side of the path. He is better at this than me, so I listen and sit beside him. "And now we wait."

Turns out, Grayson forgot to mention this would take forever. It felt like an hour had already gone by. I fidget impatiently. Then, he slowly pats my shoulder. I look up to see a doe in the distance. I freeze, looking to him. He gestures to my gun. I shake my head. He gives me a stern look. I slowly flick the safety off on the pistol, and raise it ahead of me. I don't know how to aim. I squint, and pull the trigger. The doe yelps. I hit it in the back and immediately it runs off in panic. Grayson pulls me up and we run after it, as fast as we can. Through the bushes, around trees. After a minute we slow, exhausted. "We just need to walk around. It couldn't have gotten far." He pants heavily.

As always, he was right. In a small grassy clearing, there lie the doe. I see its stomach rise and fall, it's still alive. My throat feels tight and he slowly approaches. I do the same. I kneel down, stroking the doe's fur. I feel a sense of dread. I shot something. Hurt something.

"Vivian, turn away." He says quietly, and I do. I hear his pocket knife flick open and I cover my ears. I watch the leaves fall from the trees, trying not to cry. After a few seconds I feel Graysons hand rest on my shoulder and I turn. "It's done. Let's go back." He says, his gaze comforting. I don't stop to look at the aftermath of the doe and begin walking.

Back at home Grayson skins the doe in the garage. I don't have the heart to watch the process. I sit in the kitchen, staring out the window through a small opening in the curtain. The walkers had come out now that it was the afternoon. I watch them wander and groan. I can't help but wonder what their lives were like. Who they were before this all happened. Did they have families? Were they loved? A tear runs down my cheek. I let it fall this time.