tayvis ~ invisible string

mirrors (TW)

tw: eating disorders, body issues. panic attack

if any of this tirggers you feel free to skip and if you relate to any of this please talk to someone, you are NOT alone

taylor's pov:

I've had been feeling the weight of my self-doubt creeping back slowly, almost imperceptibly, until it began to feel like a constant shadow. It had been a while since i have felt this way. It had been nearly two years since I'd felt trapped in those old cycles of anxiety around my body, yet lately, something had shifted, nearly two years of peace with my body, or at least of learning to listen to it without the resentment, the comparison, the ache to change what I saw in the mirror. After nearly two years of steady healing, grounded routines, and learning how to navigate my relationship with food, the comments were getting to me again. For the longest time, i’d tried to brush it off, muting certain words, avoiding certain apps. But lately, even the smallest mention could set off a spiral that left me feeling hollow and frustrated. Comments online, ones i used to ignore, felt like small thorns pricking at my confidence. it wasn’t long before those insecurities began to settle deeper, lingering even on my best days. I had thought I’d left those days behind. But the pressure had been building again, slowly and almost imperceptibly, and I’d been doing my best to ignore it.

I only have myself to blame really. I'd debuted a new lover bodysuit and i saw people loving it. i soon found myslef though, on the wrong side of things. all the positive comments about it was all clouded by the bad few that left me feeling like i'd hit rock bottom again.

It started small, of course—a few photos of myself that caught me off guard, captions and comments with those sharp edges I knew I should avoid reading but couldn’t quite resist.  "is she pregnant?" "how far along is she?" “Taylor Swift looks different,” they’d say. “She’s getting older.” Or worse, comparisons to other celebrities, people who seemed to float effortlessly through it all, untouched by the same scrutiny that now felt like a second shadow to me. I thought I was handling it, reminding myself that I didn’t need anyone’s approval but my own, but the echoes of those words grew louder each day.

I told myself I was fine, that I'd learned to love myself, but that critical voice was still there, resurfacing in moments of quiet. I think travis has noticed me falling into more reflective silences, but with his football season starting up, he was often busy, and i didn’t want to bring up every anxious thought and worry him and make him do bad on the field. He’d remind me often to take things easy, to stop reading comments, but some of them stuck. Some words were too sharp to shake off.

On a quiet afternoon, I found myself scrolling through some recent photos I’d taken with Travis. We looked happy, our smiles big and genuine, but my eyes kept flickering over to myself, scanning every inch. I caught my fingers on the screen, zooming in and out like I was dissecting each flaw. My arms, the curve of my stomach, even my collarbones—all places I thought I’d made peace with but was now re-evaluating, judging, comparing.

“What happened to you?” I murmured to myself, the words slipping out before I could stop them. It was the kind of self-talk I hadn’t let myself indulge in for years. A habit I’d fought hard to break but that came back so naturally, so insidiously, now.

Then, of course, the thoughts turned into actions—eating less here, skipping meals there, brushing off hunger with a coffee instead. I told myself it wasn’t a big deal, i probably could do with loosing a few pounds and that it was just temporary. But each time, it became a little easier to justify, telling myself it was just for a little while, just until I felt more comfortable. I knew all the tricks, the lies, and yet they felt comforting in a way I hated to admit.

The day of the barbecue had crept up, and I’d almost forgotten we’d planned it. Travis and I were hosting some friends: Blake, Ryan, Patrick, Brittany, Jason, Kylie, Gracie, Sabrina, Aric, Jack and Ross