Dark thoughts and my crappy life

Cutting

If you're reading this, I know this usually is a rough topic to read about, for me it's hard to talk about, but writing it's something I can actually do. I think I've been cutting for about a year now. Yeah, a year. Most people think people cut for attention but that's actually very wrong, we cut to take away pain. I know my friends hate that I do this and tell me I need to stop. Trust me I've tried to stop so many time, but even giving my blades away doesn't help. Recently my parents found out and I came clean, but ever since then I've only had more of an urge to cut. I'm trying so god damn hard not to, but I don't know if I can. It's weird to say but I actually like to see my blood appear after I cut, I don't know It's something pleasing.

Before I continue writing anything more, I should say I am not going to commit suicide or thinking about it. I have thought about it many time but I talk it out with one of my good friend. I know most people say this isn't a solution you should take and I agree, even though I do this. So, if you're thinking about cutting or committing suicide please don't, talk it out to at least a friend. If you can't do that come talk to me cause I'm here and I won't judge you cause hell I do the same thing and probably think the same thoughts. Back to my story about how and why I started cutting.

If I remember correctly it was in end of September/ beginning of October. Keep this in mind I was very suicidal at the time. Around that time I kept thinking nobody would care if I died and these thoughts got to me and I wanted them to stop, so what did I do? I grabbed a really tiny shaving razor my mom had around, which she didn't use, and I took out the razor. When I was deciding where to cut I thought if I wanted them visible or not. Obviously at that time I didn't, so I started cutting on my thighs. Nobody found out. I continued to do this for about half a year and then I started to cut on my wrist. My friends found out to keep the story short and I gave my blade to one of my friends. After he took it away, I didn't cut for about 3 months, the longest time I've stopped.

Recently like a month and a half ago, I picked up another blade. This time it was from a colour pencil sharpener. Since then I've been cutting on my wrist. Until 5 days ago, I was at the store with my family and they saw my cuts, well my mom did and she told my dad. Luckly we were at my grandma's and I had 15 practice that day, so I didn't have to tell them anything while we were there or when I was gone. Naturally that day I was freaking out and really close to having a panic attack. (I'll tell you about this another time) After practice, my dad went to pick me up and started asking me why, I told him I didn't know why (obviously I did) and he just let the topic go. Later that night though, while I was watching MiniLadd, my mom came into my room and I told her everything, she obviously just thought this was a phase even though I've felt this way since I was 6 but only recently have been able to actually know what it was I was feeling. So she's dropped it and hasn't brought it up since.

So, today was going great until my parents came home. Since they've come home they've told me that I never do anything in this house, even though I'm always doing everything. Those dishes that they use, they're clean because I wash them all the fucking time. Not once have I seen anyone else clean them, not fucking once. The clean clothes they're wearing right now, washed, folded and put in there place by me. I've literally turned into the fucking maid of this house. The house is clean because guess who fucking cleaned it that's right fucking me. Everthing in this house is done by me, and do I get a thanks or help, no of course not, I get told to work because apperantly I don't do anything in this house and my parents do all the work.

When this happens I hate it cause they don't even see me as a daughter anymore, they see me as the maid who cleans and cooks. I can't talk to them about it cause then they just say I'm being lazy or questioning their parenting. It makes me realize if I were to die the only thing they would miss about me is the fact that I'm not here to clean up after them. This the main reason why I want to go back and start cutting again. I get no respect and all I ever feel here is pain. I just hate it.

That's all I really have to say about this now. Who knows what will happen, I don't know if I'll go back to cutting or I'll stay away from it. I think that's enough of letting you guys into my deep and horrible thoughts. Until next time.
Ty