Dark thoughts and my crappy life

Depression Part 1

For about a two years now I've had depression. My parents still obviously still think it's a phase, but it's not. Most people get over it just like that but mines been going on for what seems like forever and I feel like I'm never gonna get better. I don't really know how I knew I had depression, I just did. The thing that does kinda of kick up a memory was in 7th grade. I was also self-concious at the time. My problem then and now is that I talk to much and I know it must get annoying, but it freaks me out when people say or question my vocabulary and why I speak the way I do. So, mainly because of this fear it makes me feel like that person who said me talking was annoying or the person who questioned my vocabulary, hates me. When I feel that a person hates me I get really depressed about it because all my life, even with my family. If I annoy someone to much or say something wrong they will just leave. Its happened before and so naturally I freak out.

Most things will get me depressed though, this person said something rude and didn't mean it to be rude or something like that just messes with me and. I question what did I do wrong to make this person hate me. Its the same with arguments, now a days I argue with a close friend of mine who I care about and they care about me. I've been telling him about all my problems and he tells me his, I enjoy our conversations with this trust and all but sometimes our arguing gets to me. In his eyes he's just trying to help me be happy again but he doesn't notice is that he does the thing one of my friend calls the "you think you have it worse, well guess what bitch this is all my problems" Don't get me wrong I still enjoy talking to him and by all means I love him like in the most platonic way possible, but it kinda hurts that by me telling him something he just makes me feel like shit for feeling away I can't control anymore. It's not my fault I have depression and can't get better no matter how hard I try.

I should also say my depression has made me have suicidal thoughts before and actually now let's say I was held at gunpoint I would just say shoot me. I know everyone says you have so many people who love and care about you, but the people that I love don't show it ever and most people don't feel or care the same way I care and/or feel about them. The only people I know for sure would be my little sister cause she loves me and actually gives a shit when I'm crying or haven't ate all day, my best friend Carlos cause no matter how many times I've messed up, no matter how many promises I've broken with him, he's always been there to pick me up, my best friend Kasey, he's the one who I mentioned earlier and even though I said what I did, I'm grateful that he's still here saying that I'm gonna get through this and helping me get better one step at a time. Even though I have many friends I'm pretty sure half of them would careless cause of how much unintentional shit I get from them, I know they probably can't tell how much it hurts the end of the day when my mind just plays all the words I've been called my whole life. What most people don't understand about me is I'm strong in certain was like if I get pushed in the hall way on purpose I will stand up for my self, but if people call me names or something I won't say anything, it's not that I don't want to, it's just that I can't. Its really confusing to understand so I'm sorry if I confused you.

That's all I want to say for now, I'll explain it more next time I write something. Plus I think I've cried enough while writing this.
That's it for now. I love you my rainbows, stay strong.
Ty