He has my heart. L.s.

27

My leg bounces up and down as the cold air whips around my face. I await for him, going over what I will tell him in my head. I rub my nose which is frozen. I can feel the tears prickle my eyes, burning them dying to escape to my cheeks. Soon he arrives walking faster when he sees me, I quickly look away not able to look him in the eye. The guilt I feel now is worst than the guilt I felt when I was drunk.
I have a head splitting headache too, I deserve the pain. How will I tell him? He greets be with a kiss on my cheek.

"Why'd you call me out in the cold?" He asks I'm sure he's smiling the dimpled smile I love so much.
"Miss me?" He jokes. I laugh half heartedly.

"Harry, uhm I did something, something bad.
Something that I wish I could change, uhm," my voice breaks off showing how close I am to tears. I let them go a few slipping over my cheeks.

"What is it Louis?" Harry asks intertwining our fingers. I suck in a breath pulling all the courage I have.

"Last n-night at t-t-the party, I got super pissed drunk with this girl, I don't even know her name, and I was really drunk I guess because one minuet we were talking about, I don't remember, then we were kissing and uhm I-I uh slept with her-"

"You what?" He asks and just by the tone I know how hurt he is.

"I was drunk Harry, so incredibly drunk and apparently I was pretty bad when I found Zayn. I wasn't even getting off to her, I was sorta, uhm, well imagining you."

"Oh so just because you picture me it's okay?" He snaps.

"No!" I plead. "No, of course not. Harry-"

"Was it Eleanor, be honest tell me right now if it was Eleanor! So help me God Louis of you lie-" I cut him off shaking my head.

"No, I don't know her name! I'm not lying!" I say more tears slipping from my eyes. I finally look up at him, that was the worst thing I could have down right now. The look of disgust, hatred, sadness mixed together all toward me. "Please," I plead.

"You were drunk?" He asks. I nod frantically. My lips tremble wanting to break out sobbing begging for him to give me another chance. "Louis I- I don't know," Harry shakes his head.

"Harry please I'm so sorry, so so so sorry! I was stupid and an arse and I know I fucked up I really do! I know you deserve better than this I know you do, but I'm asking for one more chance. Please?" I beg holding his hand tight. He begins to shake his head back and forth tears slipping down his cheeks, down his neck.

"Harry, I am so sorry, so sorry please-"

"You slept with another person, a girl at that!" He yells causing a few people to turn and look at us.

"I was drunk!"

"That's not an excuse! If someone robs a bank because they were drunk they still go to jail!" He says. I push down the lump growing in my throat making it difficult to breathe.

"Please don't do this," I beg bringing his hand to my lips, I kiss it over and over mutterings please and sorry.

He pulls his hand away standing. He shakes his head no, now the tears are really flowing down my cheeks. Harry begins to walk away ignoring my pleas for him to come back. God why am I such a fuck up? It was suppose to be one drink! I sit on the park bench the air stinging my fresh tears. I don't just feel cold, I am cold. Harry was my warmth he was the reason my heart was beating. My heart beats for him. Then I feel a drop, one, two then three. And it's pouring mixing with my tears my heart falling from my chest.

I go to my car getting in not bothering to turn the heat on, I turn the music up trying to drown out the world. I viciously try to rid my puffy eyes of tears.

"Way to fuck up Louis," I hiccup. "Hurt the only person that actually gave a damn about you!"

I continue to mutter horrible things to myself until arrive home. I open the door only to be greeted by the twins, I walk past them almost ghostly like. I pass Mum still not looking directly at them. I go to my room shutting the door, I fall onto my bed crying into my pillow curling up in a fetal position.
Crying silently. I hear the door open slightly, I want to scream go away.

"Lou, are you okay?" Lottie asks in a scared tone.

"Go away Lots, I want to be alone."

I probably sound harsher than I meant. She closes the door I cry harder making my head pound even more. My breathing becomes more as gasps, am I having another panic attack? The door opens again I feel arms around me, I turn toward the warmth crying into my mother's chest. She strokes my hair whispering that it will be okay. She doesn't even know what's wrong, but that's her job to be there for her kids. I cry and cry until I'm full on sobbing, loud too.
I wish I could just not feel, rip my heart out and crush it so I didn't have to deal with this. Nothing is worst than feeling this right now, and I've been stabbed.

HARRY'S P.O.V

I sit on the roof in the pouring rain, sniffling. Angry at Louis, angry at myself for falling into his trap. I shake all over partly from being cold, partly from crying so hard. A thousand thoughts pass through my mind, mostly about jumping off a near by bridge, but to kill myself for him? Not worth it.

Of course my Father saw me walk in with tears streaming now my face, he called me a fag and said I was worthless. And for what? Crying?

You must be worthless now. See I knew he'd get tired of your ass. Your needy. Everyone hates you. Your Dad, Mum, and now Louis. Niall will leave soon enough.

I climb back in the window deciding I didn't want hypothermia. I sit on my floor rolling my sleeve up, I'm so worthless.

*triggering*

I drag the blade across my arm, I do this four more times before doing it on my stomach, I cry silently as I make horrible marks across my skin. I make more marks on my stomach again gritting my teeth to keep from sobbing loudly. I take the razor doing it a few more times. I don't bother cleaning the blood I watch it run down my arms, down my stomach mixed with rain water. I soak in the stinging letting the tears flow freely.

I take and old shirt pressing it to my cuts causing a satisfying sting. After the bleeding stops I lay in bed with my ear buds in listening to music.

*out of triggering.*

I pull on a jumper and a pair of dried trousers laying in bed the blanket pulled over my head ear buds in. I still cry thinking of Louis.

I want to call him, apologize and take him back. He was drunk, but that's not an excuse. Dad gets drunk and beats my Mum, rapes her too but that doesn't excuse him does it? No! Maybe if I just lay here, just lay in bed maybe I'll fall asleep and die.
Maybe I'll die of a heartbreak, I heard it was possible. All I want to do is die.