The One I'll Never Let Go Of (Kili fanfic)

Chapter Ten- An Unexpected Addition (FIRST DOS CHAPTER)

Just a quick note, this chapter might be a little triggering for some people who have dealt with rape/sexual violence. I have put a trigger warning on one small section that mentions it directly.

I shifted, uncomfortable in my sleeping position. The wounds on my back were stinging from all ofthe pressure I was putting on them. Not able to find a comfortable spot, I opened my eyes to find that both Kili and I had fallen asleep against eachother and sitting against the rock wall. Kili had shifted father down than I was so that his head rested on my shouder.
Our hands were still touching at our sides.
I looked around to find that I was the only one awake.
I found it humerous to watch the dwarves and how they each slept.
Bofur always slept propped up with his hat pulled down over his eyes. Ori slept curled up close to the fire. Dwalin lay down on his back with his arms crossed over his chest, sometimes propped up, other times laying down flat. Balin slept on his side. Thorin seemed to sleep in a somewhat comfortable position, but it was always a modest position, unlike the others who tended to lay with their limbs all sprawled out and in other people spaces. Both Kili and Fili slept more normal than the others.
I covered my yawn and leaned my head back when an overwhelming nausea took over. My head swam and my stomach churned.
I felt the contents of my stomach threatening to come up, so as quickly but calmly as I could so i didn't wake him, I moved Kili's head away from my shoulder and stood up. I hurried through the mess of dwarves on the ground and ran into the clearing of the forest. I had barely made it into the trees when I fell to my knees and leaned over.
I felt the bile comeing up my thoat and spill out of my mouth. All of the meal from last night and any food from before then exited my body.
I thought I was done when the feeling returned and I puked up even more and coughed hard which caused my chest and ribcage to hurt
I stayed leaning over for a moment just to be sure there wasn't anymore. After I finally sat up, I felt my body trembling. I looked down at my hand to find then shaking violently.
I covered up the pile with leaves and dirt and then leaned back against a tree, suddenly very weak.
My stomach was still upset but there was nothing left to rid it of, and the nausea persisted.
I rested my head against the rough bark of the tree, my hair catching in it.
I didn't understand why I felt like this.
I rarely ever got sick.
Unless.
I wondered about the poisonous mushrooms that Kili and I gathered. Bofur said he didn't let Bombur put any in, but I wondered if one or two manged to get into the stew.
Maybe I was the one who had gotten them in my bowl.
I would have to ask Bofur how poisonous they were.
I decided to get up and walk down to the river to clean off and freshen up.
I stood up with shaking legs and walked quietly back past the dwarves and to the river shore. I found the same spot where I had bathed yesterday. I kneeled down and scooped the cold water onto my face and wiped away anything that remained. I took a few sips and swished the water around my mouth before spitting it out. I washed off my hands and arms before drying myself off with the skirts of my dress.
I sat at the edge of the river to try and let my stomach settle before I went back to camp. My stomach ache had left, and the nausea was slowly going away too. I watched the water gently roll by but found it made my nausea worse, so I lay down in the grass and close my eyes.
It was a slightly chilly morning, but my skin felt hot and the air offered some releif. I listened to the sound of the river and the birds singing and found it distracted me from how I felt.
I lay there for some time before I heard the others talking and packing up. So I stood up, still feeling weak, but for the most part, feeling better and walked back into camp.
Bofur seemed to be the first one to notice I was walking in from outside the camp. He smied brightly at me."
"Good morning! You're up early."
I chuckled. "With a miserable reason, too."
He gave me a confused look. "What do you mean."
"How poisenous were those mushrooms that Kili and I found?"
He pulled his head back a bit with a worried look"Why? Did you eat some?"
"Well, I don't know. I was wondering if some had accidentaly made it into the stew."
"If any had made it into that stew and you ate it, you would already be dead." He said matter of factly.
"Oh." I said, confused, but releived it wasn't the poisonous plant.
"Were you sick?"
I nodded. "I was. But I'm fine now."
"You should talk to Oin. Make sure you have contracted anything too bad." He suggested.
I looked around the group looking for him when I locked eyes with Kili.
I gave him a quick smile.
"Are you okay?" He mouthed to me.
I nodded.
"Oin should be..." Bofur scanned the dwarves. "Ah. Over by the fire." He pointed to the fire we cooked over.
I followed his finger. "I'll go talk to him. Thanks." I smiled at him and walked away.
I walked up to Oin who was working on packing up some bowls and utencils.
I tapped him on the shoulder.
He turned around and looked at me, suprised.
Probably at the fact I had yet to approach him and talk to him one on one.
"I'm sorry to bother you, but Bofur was wanting me to talk to you about something."
He set down the bowls he was holding and smiled at me. "Of course, lass. What's the matter?"
"Well, this morning, I threw up." I said somewhat hesitantly. "I thought it was maybe a poisonous mushroom that had slipped into the stew, but Bofur said it wouldn't be that. I feel fine now and I don't think it's a big deal. But Bofur wanted me to talk to you."
"Do you get sick often?" Oin asked.
I shook my head. "Never." I stopped to think. "I did feel a bit of nausea a few mornings ago, but that was the morning we didn't eat anything."
"Headaches? Loss of appetite?"
I shrugged. "Every now and then I guess for the headaches. I haven't had near enough water, though. And I suppose I have lost my appetite a bit."
"Well, you may have just caught something small. I wouldn't worry about it. I really don't think it's serious."
I nodded. "I figured. Thank you." I smiled and started to walk away.
"Of course lass."
But right as I turned, Oin looked back at me with an almost shocked look on his face.
"Lass?"
I cicked my head, worried. "Yes?" I asked slowly.
He moved closer to me and leaned down. "Can I ask you something personal?"
I looked up at him with concern. "What is it?"
He looked hesitant to ask, but he did anyways. "When was the last time you bled?"
I pulled back, immediatly knowing what he meant. "It was...well..."
Now that I thought about it, I hadn't started my monthly bleeding in almost a month. I was already past the time I would have normaly started.
I looked at him, fear probably evident in my eyes. "I...I...it has been too long."
But it didn't make sense, I hadn't done anything with anyone.
Then I froze.
My father.
It had happened the night before Gandalf came to me at work.
My heart stopped.
It had been the right amount of time.
My hand went to my stomach.
No.
There wasa small bump I hadn't notice before, but enough to notice now.
My thoughts raced and hit the insides of my head, sending them flying through my mind even faster.
"Lass."
I looked up with wide eyes.
"No...I...I didn't, I promise." I stuttered, trying to tell him something I couldn't deny.
But I had.
Not willingly.
But it did happen.
I couldn't have done anything about it though.
My hands started shaking again and my chest tightened.
"I need Kili." I whispered.
Oin nodded. "I'll get him."
As he walked away, I put my hands on my head and walked in a circle.
This couldn't be happeneing.
But it all made sense.
When I saw Kili approaching with an extremly worried look, I walked around the corner of the rock ledge so that we were where the others couldn't see of hear us and he follwed me.
"Isola..."
I couldn't look at him.
I could only walk in circles with my hands on my head trying to think clearly.
"Isola." he tried again.
My chest was still tight and I didn't think I was breathing, or maybe I was, and I just couldn't tell.
How could I tell him?
What would he think about me?
Expecially after what we told each other yesterday.
He was going to hate it.
Me.
I grit my teeth and squated down, pressing my palms to my temples.
Kili walked in front of me and basically picked me up holding me firmly. "Isola, what's wrong?" He held me by my shoulder and looked at me, panicked.
I pulled away.
"I'm so sorry." I shook my head.
He looked at me confused and anxious.
I turned away from him and started pacing again.
I couldn't do this.
I couldn't hurt him again.
What would the others think?
I would have to tell them the truth so they didn't assume things about Kili.
They would have to know about my father.
Would Thorin make me leave?
Where was I going to go?
I didn't want to leave Kili.
Would he want me to leave?
Strong hands grasped my shoulders and spun me around. Kili held onto me strongly and forced me to look at him.
"What is wrong, Isola?" He nearly pleaded.
I looked up at his desperate eyes and felt myself shaking under his grasp.
"I...I...I..." I stopped and took a breath.
All I could hope for was that he still loved me.
"I think I'm pregnant." I said franticaly.
I watched Kili's face turn from a hard, worried expression, to a confused, defeated one.
I felt his hands let go of my shoulders and fall to his side.
What have I done.
It was like he forgot how to function for a moment. He stood there looking at me with a look that crushed my soul. He looked like a child who had just lost everything he had ever known and was standing in the midst of destruction, not knowng what to do.
"I'm sorry." I whispered.
But sorry wasn't going to fix this.
His eyes finally fell away from me and he looked at the ground. "Your father?" He said softly.
I nodded, the feeling of shame overwhelming me.
He looked up.
"Yes." I said.
He pressed his lips together and nodded slightly.
I didn't know what to say.
I didn't think he did either.
"I'm sorry." I said again quietly.
He met my eyes. "Why?"
"Why?" I repeated. "Because after everything yesterday, I come to you with this." I lifted my hands in the air and gestured at nothing in particular.
But he knew what I meant.
"You don't deserve this, Kili."
His brows were furrowed and he tilted his head. "Isola, you don't deserve this."
I looked down.
"This isn't your fault." He lifted my chin up with a finger.
I shook my head, pulling away from him.
I knew it wasn't, but I still felt the shame as if I had done it on purpose.
"I feel so guilty." I whispered.
He nodded and grabbed my upper arms and gave a slight squeeze. "I know."
I looked up. "This is not what I wanted. I wanted my first child to...to be-" I stopped talking and pursed my lips.
Kili watched me. "To be what?"
I shouldn't tell him this. But I was going to anyways. "Ours." I said.
He didn't look as suprised as I expected him to be. He actually looked less suprised, and held a more happy, yet sympathetic look.
"I didn't want it to be his half child, half grandchild and my child, and my half sibiling." I said, flustered. "This is such a mess." I covered my face.
Kili pulled me in. "I know. But we'll get through it."
I looked up at him, not understanding how he was so calm and so alright.
He tilted his head. "What?"
"I don't know. I just thought you would be upset and maybe...I don't know." I sighed.
He moved his hands up to my shoulders. "Leave you to take care of the baby alone?"
I shrugged.
I felt like I should cry.
Be more upset.
But I was in an utter daze.
"I am so shocked, Isola. But I'm not upset. At all." Kili tilted my chin up when I looked away. When I looked back up, he gave me a slight smile. "I'm actually quite exited."
I couldn't help the grin that spread across my face. It was more of a smile of releif and hysterics than that of happiness.
I still wish non of this was happening.
"Why are you exited?" I asked, not understanding.
Kili lifted his shoulders. "It's a baby." He gave me an exited smile.
His grin told me that maybe things would be alright.
Maybe.
I looked down.
He was exited, but I was worried.
About so many things.
The baby.
The company.
Traveling with a baby.
The birth.
"Hey." He lifted my face up again gently, but by my whole jaw this time. "And when I said I loved you and wouldn't leave you, I meant that I loved you and wouldn't leave you." He said firmly and searched my eyes.
"No matter what." He added.
After watching him quietly for a moment, I nodded.
"Thorin will want me to leave." I said quietly.
Kili shook his head and gave me a reasurring look. "He won't. Especially not now."
"I have to tell them all, Kili." I looked down, dreading it. "I have to tell them everything."
He was quiet for a minute. "I can tell them." He offered.
I shook my head.
I had to be the one.
As much as I wanted him to, I couldn't hide from my problems anymore.
"They'll understand." He said.
"What do I say?" I asked.
He looked down, thinking, then back up at me. "Just tell them about your relationship with you father, and that what's happened now is a result of it. You don't have to tell them anything else."
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Do I tell them now?"
He gave a light shrug. "It's up to you. It might be better to do it now so you're not worrying about it."
I nodded, anxious.
Kili pulled me in tight against his chest and I felt him press his lips to the top of my head. "You know, when Oin came and told me that you said you needed me, do you know how much that meant to me, despite how worried I was?"
"What do you mean?" I said into his shirt.
"I mean, you decided to tell me instead of trying to hide it and deal with it by yourself."
"It's not really something I could hide for long anyways."
He pulled away and put his hands on my face. "But thank you for telling me. And I will always be here, alright?" He searched my eyes.
I nodded, starting to lose the feeling of shock and be replaced with anger and hopelesness.
I felt a bitterness towards my father grow in my heart and plant a dark seed in my soul
It scared me.
Bu it also fueled me somehow.
Before anything else happened, Kili leaned down, with my face still in his hands and he gently pressed his lips against mine. I froze for a moment, suprised at his gesture.
Just for a while, everything else faded away as I felt the heat of his skin radiating onto mine and the feeling of his lips on my mouth.
But before I could even really register what had happened and kiss him back, he pulled away and watched me for a minute with a slight smile.
"I love you." He whispered.
I couldn't help the stupid smile and blush that spread across my face.
I loved those words being spoken to me.
"I love you too." I said.
He let out a slight breath in a light laugh and ran his thumb over my cheekbone.
"Are you ready to tell them?" He asked, bringing me back to reality.
My heart started beating a little faster. I nodded. "I guess."
He pressed his lips together and turned, leading me with and arm around my back.
"What do you think they'll say?" I asked, worrying more now.
"I don't know what they'll say, but I know they won't think any less of you."
We rounded the corner of the rock wall where the others had mostly gotten packed up.
It seemed they were mainly waiting on me.
Kili took his arm from my shoulders and I stood in front of the dwarves with a racing heart. They didn't notice me for a second, then they all directed their attention to me with worried and confused looks.
Bilbo looked the most worried, and Thorin looked the most confused.
I took a deep breath. "I have something I think you all should know."