𝙎𝙐𝙉𝙎𝙀𝙏 𝘽𝙊𝙐𝙇𝙀𝙑𝘼𝙍𝘿 // 𝙍𝙊𝙎𝙀́ 𝙓 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿𝙀𝙍

𝘾𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙎𝙞𝙭𝙩𝙚𝙚𝙣 - 𝙇𝙚𝙩 𝙈𝙚 𝘾𝙤𝙣𝙨𝙪𝙢𝙚 𝙔𝙤𝙪, 𝙀𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙁𝙞𝙗𝙧𝙚 𝙊𝙛 𝙔𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝘽𝙚𝙞𝙣𝙜

2024

Irene's face pales. I wait for a second, then two, then three and all she does is stare at me. Unfortunately for her, that wasn't even one of the most jaw dropping moments of my life. I play with my wedding ring and shakily exhale. Over the past couple of days, I've come to slightly, somewhat, sort of, value Irene's perception of me. I was slowly starting to care about what she thought of me.

Was this stemming from the fact that I saw a great deal of me and my wife in her? Perhaps. But maybe it's something deeper, something that I haven't figured out yet. "You don't have to pretend to like me after knowing what I did," I deadpan. I wasn't going to allow myself to sit in a room with someone who secretly hated me deep down. I've made mistakes, some of the mistakes I'm not proud.

Irene shakes her head, "no...I don't hate you. God, no," she denies. "I've left you speechless, haven't I?" I joke to slice through the tension I've somehow created. "I'm just trying to process it....all." She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and I force myself to look away. The pandora's box has been opened and all I can think of is being a mother. How it must feel to be one. How it feels to watch a tiny human who's half you and half your lover, grow up. How it must feel to tuck a strand of their hair behind their ear. I wonder; I wonder of all the possibilities. Irene makes me want to become the mother I never got to be.

"Do you have any questions?" She swallows as she looks up at me. "I do, I have a lot," she smiles gently and I return the gesture. I prompt her with my hand for her to continue.

"Why did you never tell Y/N you were even pregnant to begin with?"

I sit up a little straighter. How was I going to answer her question when I didn't know the answer myself? Years after it happened, I still grappled with the answer to that question. When Y/N had asked me that exact question, I had no idea what to answer. Fifty-nine years later, I'm still stumped.

"I don't have an answer, unfortunately." I switched from wine to coffee during the middle of my story telling. I sip on my coffee and watch Irene curiously. She seems to be studying my face, probably trying to search for any indications that I'm lying. That I just don't want to answer her question. "Surely as you stared at that positive test in your hand, you had to have had some type of thought..."

I shake my head. I had no idea what was going on in my head when I had stared at that positive pregnancy test with Jennie. My mind was a mess, a mess of thoughts, fears, concerns. I wasn't thinking clearly at that moment. All I thought when I looked at that pregnancy test was the fact that my life was going to have to change. A baby — that changes things. That changes things in marriages. That changes so many fucking things and that scared me. I was days away fro turning twenty years old and at the time, having a baby terrified me.

"I can tell you why I did it but I can't tell you why I never told Y/N."

"Go on," Irene replies.

"Fear. The thought of a baby, my baby, terrified me."

Irene interrupts me in a soft voice, "because of the way you were brought up? Your parents?"

I swallow around the lump in my throat. "Yes and no."

"But you said a couple days ago that you didn't want kids because of your childhood."

I nod, "I did but I only told you half of the truth," I smile with my eyes and Irene mirrors my expression. I'm at that point where I trust Irene, completely. "So, what's the real reason?"