𝙎𝙐𝙉𝙎𝙀𝙏 𝘽𝙊𝙐𝙇𝙀𝙑𝘼𝙍𝘿 // 𝙍𝙊𝙎𝙀́ 𝙓 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿𝙀𝙍

𝘾𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙀𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙚𝙚𝙣 - 𝙣𝙪𝙢𝙗𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡

1950
Roseanne Chaeyoung Park, Age 5

Just when I thought it wouldn't get worse, it got worse.

Papa yells at mama and throws a bottle near her head. I try to be quiet, I try to be invisible but I let out a little peep when the glass shards come way too close to mama's face. Papa looks furious, his face grows even more red like the colour of firetrucks. He finds me hiding behind the couch and the smile that used to be full of sun and warmth is now replaced with hate and anger.

"Chanyoung, no!" Mama yells when papa comes towards me, his stench of alcohol getting stronger as he moves closer. He crouches to my level and tucks a calloused hand under my chin so I can look into his eyes properly. "Why are you hiding, Rosie?" The nickname drips from his lips with so much disdain.

"Papa....." I whimper when the grip on my chin tightens. He's hurting me. "Do you want to know why I'm like this?" He slurs with a chuckle. Mama stands still behind him, her face littered with bruises and cuts. "Chanyoung, please. Leave Rosie alone," he turns back to mama and glares at her. She immediately shuts up.

"I want a boy, Rosie. I never wanted a girl. I never wanted you."

I squeeze my eyes shut and pretend that I don't hear whatever it is he is saying. He's drunk, he's drunk, he's drunk. My eyes fill with tears and I grip onto my pink pyjamas — seeking comfort. "You want to know what my first thought was when I saw you? I thought about how I didn't want you, that I prefer a boy but that it'd be okay because your mama and I can always try again..." his eyes become empty as he stares at the wall behind me. "But then we tried.....and tried and kept fucking trying! But nothing, Rosie. Nothing! I'm stuck with your mother and now I'm stuck with you."

He releases my chin and stands up from his crouching position.

"Papa....please don't hate me. I'll do anything-"

He laughs out loud. "You can't do anything to make me want you, Rosie. Nothing. You know why?" He crouches back down to my level, my eyes look into his and his bore into mine. "Why?" I refrain from stuttering, fearing that it'd anger him more if I did.

"Because I never wanted you. I never wanted a girl but that's what I got."

He shoves mama aside, she hits the wall and knocks her head into the concrete. I wince for her. I wince for me.

I watch from my position behind the couch, my eyes trailing papa's figure as he walks away from me. I just want him to love me like he used to, why can't he love me anymore? What changed? Why does he not want me?

The distance between us gets bigger, he becomes smaller and I find myself longing for his attention. I want him to love me, why can't he love me?

1955
Roseanne Chaeyoung Park, Age 10

I smile proudly as I look at the finished product that's papa's cake. He's turning thirty-three this year and I've spent a week saving up every penny that I've earned from neighbours just to buy the ingredients to bake a cake. It's definitely not the prettiest but I wanted to give papa something that he can blow for his birthday.

I check the clock and take note of the time. I place the cake neatly on a plate and take off the apron that I found stuffed in a random drawer.