The Spirits of the Universe (PJO)

Chapter 38--I Have a Panic Attack

My body refused to listen to me. I felt as though everything about me, from my head to my toes, was as cold as ice. The sounds of the real world were muffled. But I barely still could hear what what was happening around me.

"What's going on?" Aridne asked. Her eyes stayed glued to the track in front of us, but the urgency in her voice made me think that she was resisting every molecule in her body to turn around. "Is Percy okay?"

"I-I don't know!" Liam said, freaking out. 

"Well then—find out! Now." A surprising amount of vulnerability leaked into her words—something that didn't happen when you were worried about a simple friend.

"Right." Liam scrambled for my side, where Paul hovered behind him anxiously. I wasn't sure how my friends were going to figure out what was wrong with me.

Because I didn't know what was wrong with me.

The image of the Taraxippi and their chariot being swallowed by the earth replayed endlessly in my mind like an uncontrollable dream—no, an uncontrollable nightmare. What had even happened? Mormolyce—he was the Titan of desires. Not dirt. There was something more sinister going on. Something that would destroy me—

But fortunately for me, there were some powerful beings out there that didn't agree with me.

Percy, that's enough, End said in a stern voice.

You saw it too! I screamed at her. Mormolyce can't control the earth! Only Gaea can! 

That's not true. This is Mormolyce's domain. You saw how he restored this track in the blink of an eye. Making a chariot disappear is just a party trick for him.

But I couldn't be convinced that easily. She's here! She wants to kill me! I need to escape—

Don't be ridiculous, End snorted. Running's going to do you no good against a primordial's fury.

Not that she wants to kill you, Order swiftly corrects her before I could panic even more.

This was a mistake, I said. I should've never come here.

I think that's pretty obvious, End said. I told you that you should've minded your own business and not try to help the villagers—

No. Coming to Planet Chaos was a mistake. I should've just stayed on Earth.

Don't be ridiculous. Think about all the fun you've had.

What fun? All I've been doing since I came here was getting betrayed by everyone I thought was on my side. And now I'm on the run from the freaking creator of the universe. At least I had a life on Earth. I had food. I had a place that I could call home.

There was a long pause. But somehow, that only made me feel worse. I regretted all my past actions. I'd thought that I'd grown. That from all my mistakes, I could actually build a life that I was proud of. But this . . . . this was far from it.

Do you really think that? Order said quietly.

Order, don't start with me—

I'm serious. Think about it for a second. You were overlooked at Camp Half-Blood—as if you had done nothing. You were used, and then you were thrown away by the gods without a second thought. You used to spend your days isolated in your cabin. 

What's your point? I snapped, because his words hit too close to home. Sure, I was pathetic at Camp, but at least I was living a peaceful life! 

But is that really what you wanted? Think about it, Percy. You didn't have anybody on Earth—but here, you're adventuring with your friends. You're chased by immortals right now, but that's temporary. And we know that you've had to get through worse. But after all of this, you'll be able to . . .

I'll be able to do what? I leaned forward. My emotions were turbulent through my body, but I still wanted to hear what he was saying.

You'll be able to build a new life. Something that you've been meaning to do since you got here. But things like that take time—they're not easy to do. One time in the future, you'll look back at this mess and laugh. But before then, you'll have to put in the effort. And if Gaea tries to take you away from your dreams, End and I will be here to support you. 

I may not like you, but I won't let you die, End supported. I can't promise that you won't get beat up a little, though.

End, Order said exasperatedly. That's not helping.

The two siblings burst out into a childish fight. Normally, I would've shut them up instantly, but Order's words had resonated with me. Nothing I ever wanted came to me easily. It was why your determination was a big part of being a successful demigod. But I was tired. Tired of the fighting, the killing, and the losing. I just wanted to rest. 

But if there was just one more battle I had to fight before I could finally have some peace . . .

Then nothing in the world could stop me from slicing my way through my enemies. Not even myself. 

I pushed my worries and dark thoughts to the back of my mind—toward where End and Order were. It was where I put everything—a dangerous move after I'd just learned how explosive my thoughts could be.

But this time, I had a feeling that they wouldn't interrupt me. 

Something cold grasped at my hand. I tightened my grip on the railing, and my eyesight gradually turned from pitch black to the colors of the world. Then I found Liam staring at me. "You okay, dude? Everyone's worried about you!"

"I'm . . . fine," I said. Then I turned to Aridne. "Sorry for worrying you. What's the plan?"

"The plan is 'get ready for some trouble,'" Aridne said. "We're almost on the other riders!"

I looked forward, and a little to the side. Somehow, while I hadn't been looking, Aridne had managed to catch up to the other competitors. Now, we were only a few yards from the nearest chariot. Preparing for battle seems like the smartest move.

I pulled out Riptide, but Liam was still staring at me. "Are you okay?" I asked him.

"You have some nerve," he scoffed. "You had me worried for a solid five minutes, but now you want to act like I'm the one being weird?"

". . . Yeah."

Liam looked incredulous, but before he could say anything else, Aridne snapped, "When I said 'get ready,' I wasn't just talking to Percy. Find your weapons. Now."

"Fine," Liam grumbled. Then he looked at me. "We'll talk later—after we win."

I hope we don't have to, I thought.