I Loved the Color Red (KiriBaku)

Time

(chapter thirteen)

( HIII AGAIN, I reccomend listening to "my little winter", by Willix)
(these last five chapters are going to be told like separate days, with different situations he goes through)

It's been a week. That day on the muddy ground was the last day I felt close to him. After sleeping there, I dragged myself back home and couldn't even make it past the entrance. I fell onto the ground with aching muscles and a blaring headache. I think my mom already knew everything that happened since she was waiting on the sofa with her head in her hands. Once she heard the door open she rushed over to me, I knew she was talking. Maybe screaming. But I couldn't hear a thing. In the corner of my eye, just past her. I saw him, lying on the cold, hard ground. He looked at me as death slowly took him away from this earth. His beautiful blonde hair was drenched from the rain. He stared at me with eyes of desperation that turned into eyes that reflected no emotion.

I shut my eyes tightly and tried to get the image of my head. My mom helped me up and held me up as she took me to my room. She laid me down in my bed so carefully. As if I was fragile. No tears came out. I couldn't feel a single thing. I couldn't even move my body like I needed to. My mom did her best to take care of me everyday. She helped me shower, she fed me by hand, and she held me whenever she felt like I needed it.

I haven't talked in days. I don't know why, but the words I want to speak, just won't come out. It's like something is holding me back from saying what I need to say. I'm feeling so much right now, but also so little at the same time. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, but then I'm relieved when I figure that someone else is grieving just as much as I am. I know that's bad to think, but it makes me feel not alone.

My mom decided to go over to Mitsuki's to give her condolences. Of course, she couldn't leave me alone, so she invited my friends over. But, I couldn't bear to talk to them. I just sat in the corner while they discussed what was going on at UA. I've taken a break from school ever since... you know... I'm really trying not to think about it. I haven't even said his name. Or even thought about his name. God it hurts so much.

         My mom signed me up for a therapist today. So far it's just been video calls from time to time. They recommended me to write down everything I've been feeling lately. To be honest, my mind is running too fast for me to even think about getting it down on paper. One second I'm thinking about all the school i've been missing, my parents, my childhood, my friends, what went down in middle school, and then.... him.

Day 25

         I went outside today. My mom advised me to go on a walk and I gave in. I didn't say anything, I just nodded my head. I walked down the street and back. But, on the way to my house, a furry thing blocked my path. I looked down to find the cat we named... what was the name again? It took me about 30 minutes to remember, but it was Sora. How could I ever dare to forget? I felt my eyes start to well up, but quickly wiped them away. I went to the nearest store and bought cat food. I set down the food and some water, and left. I couldn't look it in the eye.

      Signed: Eijiro

       Day 39

       I thought I was doing okay, but the fact that I couldn't.... or maybe that I wouldn't, move my arms or legs to get up proved that I wasn't. The feeling hit me hard last night. The feeling of him being gone. I tried to push it to the side, so I could move on with my day. But, after two hours, I gave up. My arms and legs weren't doing what they needed to do. My mom came in after 4 hours and tried to get me up. I just shoved her away. I don't know why I'm being so mean. Now I just feel worse and it's my fault.