I Loved the Color Red (KiriBaku)

Goes

                              (chapter fourteen)

Day 178

It's been about 6 months since I've seen him. I mean I see him all the time. In the corner of my eye, I'll catch a peek of his dull blonde hair. Just like it was on that day. Or if I go outside the sun will shine brightly into my face, blurring my vision. Then I see him. Among the suns rays, he appears in front of me. With an ear to ear grin adorned on his face, reaching out his hand towards me. Just as I take it, he disappears.

          I really think I should try to get back out there. I mean the school is fixed up... mostly. It's only two more years of highschool... I can do it right? But, I just feel so guilty. Why do I get to experience this and he doesn't? Why am I here enjoying the air, the sun, the green grass, the fluffy clouds, or even the night sky. Why am I alive? What is the meaning to all of this? With him, I had a purpose. A reason to get up every morning. Of course I had episodes and things weren't good all the time, but I had him. And that was enough for me.

        Day 190

          I finally told my mom that I wanted to go back to school. She was really hesitant, but she decided that this might be the best thing for me right now.

       Signed: Eijiro

       Day 203

      Today will be my first day back at school. I'm technically gonna be starting my second year, but it sucks that I'm so far behind. Maybe this is how he felt all that time ago... I don't know if I can go back into that classroom and just go on about my day. But i'm going to try... for him. I really don't think he'd want me to be like this. I believe he'd want me to never hesitate when it comes to being a hero. But, I can't help it. I don't deserve this opportunity.

        Signed: Eijiro

        I put on my shoes and turn the door knob. My mom comes up to me and hands me a bento, "Have a good day Bunny". She has this expression... it's hope. I don't feel like talking so I just nod my head and leave. I didn't do anything to myself today, so I wasn't really proud of the way I looked. I mean, I was wearing my uniform, I was clean, but I just looked... tired. I haven't been able to look in the mirror for a while, not even to do my hair that I loved. When I see myself... I see him. Standing behind me with those mute, lifeless eyes. I couldn't do it anymore so I covered all the mirrors with a sheet.

      I take the same path to school, but it feels so foreign. Nothing feels the same, however it hasn't changed. Maybe I'm the one who has. I keep my head down and try to walk as fast as I can to make it there on time. A thought hovers over my head, "Does it even matter anymore?" Somehow this convinces me to barely move my legs at all. After thirty minutes of walking, I finally make it there. The school is more reinforced, however, it's the same, but the familiarity is gone.

      I step onto the school grounds and feel my body stiffens. My heart starts to ache and surely, my legs won't move. I take deep breaths in and out like my therapist recommended. I got this. I step through the front door and see the same people from the last school year. Of course they stare at me, their eyes silently judge me and I can hear their murmurs.
"Isn't he the guy from class 1A?"
"Yeah I think something happened to him, because no one has seen him in like a year or two".

       A year or two??? I was only gone for maybe 7 months?? I chuckle over these ridiculous accusations and find the same classroom from the previous year. I step in and everything is the same... well... something's missing. I push my thoughts deep down and put on a big smile. I don't want anyone to think that I'm not okay. I know I'm not presenting myself well on the outside, but hopefully they don't read into it. Kaminari looks towards the door, then back at the group, then back at me again. Somehow I always get reminded of that day.