Daryl's Angel (10th Anniversary Edition)

Chapter 34: Reminiscent

When we get back after a car ride spent in silence, I hand the supplies out. I give every woman her choice of menstrual products, save for Lori, because...come on. I've never seen people so happy about pieces of cotton. I can't even judge them because my own box of tampons feels like treasure.

I head to my cell and make my bed with my new sheets. I lay my quilt out and test it, closing my eyes for a second as I revel in the feeling of clean linens.

Daryl appears at my door, crossbow still on his shoulder.

"You heading out soon?" he asks.

I purse my lips as I sit up. "Yeah."

"Told T-Dog. We'll go when you're ready."

I exhale. Honestly, I feel better with both of them coming with me. "Thank you."

He nods, then disappears. I start packing the bags I've put together for them; two pairs of pants, two t-shirts, two toothbrushes and a tube of toothpaste each, two packs of boxer briefs and of course, two single sheet sets. Not much luck on the blanket front but hey.

I look back into my backpack as it empties out and the condoms are at the bottom, staring up at me, mocking me. I reach in and pull the box out, staring at them again.

I've soul-searched since the conversation Daryl and I had on the farm. I thought and I prayed and I wondered about whether or not I wanted to hold out for the possibility of someone committing to me for the rest of our possibly-short lives. I never knew how to talk about it with Daryl, or anyone in the group. I think Carl, me, and maybe Beth are the only virgins in the bunch.

It's not even a biblical thing anymore. I've read the Bible (or many smaller parts of it). I know that abstinence among Christians comes from God talking about sex being a holy union between two souls. There's other verses about having to pay a dowry to an unengaged woman's father if you sleep with her, but that's...archaic. It doesn't apply here.

But it's been lingering in the back of my mind, every time I touch him, every time he touches me. I want him so badly but there's this tiny, terrified part of me that says, the second I give it up, he'll be gone and he'll take a piece of me with him.

I keep staring at the condom box. It doesn't matter. I don't even know how to put a condom on. I went to a private Christian high school where abstinence was taught above actual safe sex. No condoms over bananas for practice. I learned about sex through talking to my friends, reading books, and personal research.

"You've got something real you could practice on," a part of me taunts.

I shove the condoms underneath my bed, out of sight, out of mind. I think, the second that condom was on him, even if I insisted it was for practice, I'd lose my nerve and just...jump on him.

I gather the stuff for the prisoners, pack it all back up, and head out in search of T-Dog and Daryl.

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T-Dog and Daryl lead the way through the tombs to cell block D and, thankfully, we don't run into any walkers. When we reach the doors leading inside, Daryl stops, and I move past him into the block. There are blood stains on the floor outside each of the cells and there are a few bodies laying in the doorways, heads blown open. My stomach twists.

Not the nicest of living arrangements, but I suppose we were in the same boat before we started cleaning stuff up.

"Axel? Oscar?" I call.

I don't hear anything for a second, then footsteps come from the upper level. Axel's head appears over the railing, then Oscar's. I smile and wave at them.