Chuuya doesn't think of himself as an anxious person. He's patient, confident that everything will happen in its own time without the need to rush. Yet, at this moment, he feels deeply anxious.
He's on a mission with Dazai. They're both holed up in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere, and Dazai is glued to his phone, texting someone named @LeFestin. Chuuya can feel his own phone vibrating in his pocket but doesn't dare check it—he doesn't want to risk revealing his secret identity. He's thought about just telling Dazai the truth, expecting that sooner or later Dazai would get suspicious about why @LeFestin hasn't responded in three days—especially since that's exactly how long they've been on this mission. Chuuya even briefly wondered if Dazai was playing him, but he quickly dismissed the idea. The younger man wouldn't share those personal details just to mess with him. Growing tired of the silence, Chuuya decides to break it.
"Why are you glued to your phone?"
"Trying to talk to my boyfriend, but he hasn't responded in, like, a week." Dazai replies nonchalantly.
Chuuya rolls his eyes. He knows it has only been three days.
"Since when do you have a boyfriend?"
"Since when do you care?" Dazai counterbacks.
"Fair point. But we've got nothing else to do, and I'm bored, so I figured I should get to know my long term partner."
"Thank god you said that—I thought you were about to offer to kiss me again," Dazai says with exaggerated relief.
"Ew, no. Once was more than enough, thanks. I don't want to do that EVER again"
"I would not want it anyway. As I mentioned before, I have a B-O-Y-F-R-I-E-N-D."
"And where did you find this B-O-Y-F-R-I-E-N-D? In the trash can next to the shoebox you live in?"
"No," Dazai shoots back, unfazed. "We met on the mafia's social media. We both like Oda—he's super cool, and gives great advice."
"So, you've never actually met him?"
"Nope. But we're planning to meet up around Christmas."
Chuuya raises an eyebrow. "And you're not worried you're being catfished? Could be some lonely 45-year-old lady or a creepy 60-year-old guy trying to kidnap you."
Dazai shrugs. "Nah, Grumpy's not lying to me. Besides, if anyone in this mafia was 'catfishing' me, they'd regret it as soon as they saw me. You know my reputation," he adds with a smirk.
"Oh no, I'm so scared. Please, spare my life," Chuuya retorts, rolling his eyes. "And stop with that stupid smile. You don't look scary; you look corny."
"Your hat is also corny, but you don't hear me complaining."
"Yeah, you do. Every day. Today alone, you've made at least four comments about my hat."
"Ah, oops, you're right. Also, Chuuya, I have a question."
"I'm going to regret this, but go ahead."
"When are you going to grow?"
Before Dazai can finish the sentence, Chuuya leaps at him, hands around his throat. Dazai laughs, even as his air supply is cut off.
"You are such a damn idiot," Chuuya grumbles, holding Dazai down. "I can't believe I thought you were going to ask something important for once in your life."
"Chibi has soft hands," Dazai wheezes.
"What the hell, man? I'd kill you right now, but I need you alive for tomorrow. After that, though, you're dead," Chuuya declares, standing up and leaving Dazai on the floor.
"Please don't kill me—I still need to meet my online boyfriend, remember?"
"Unfortunately, I do."
"Don't be jealous, Chibi. You'll find love one day too."
"Yeah, and then you'll kill them for the sake of some mission," Chuuya jokes.
Though he's joking, the remark hits Dazai harder than expected. It's as if Chuuya had just driven a knife into his heart, reminding him of how he's destroyed everything his partner cares about. Dazai doesn't realize it, but a tear slips down his cheek.
"Osamu, are you crying?"
"No, I don't cry" Dazai quickly wipes his face.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have joked about that. I know you didn't really kill any of my friends, and their deaths weren't your fault. You're just as much a victim as they were—and as I am, okay?" Chuuya says, gently holding Dazai's face.
"Am I really? I've killed over a hundred people, Chuuya. My hands are stained with blood. And some of that blood belongs to your friends."
"So have I, I think I have even killed more people than you" Chuuya replies softly. "You were just following orders, Osamu. It's not your fault. You were just a kid."
Unexpectedly, Chuuya pulls Dazai into a hug. "I really didn't mean what I said."
"I hope," Dazai whispers into Chuuya's hair.
"So, are you going to keep texting your online boyfriend, or are we going to get some food?" Chuuya asks, stepping back.
"I'll come with you. Only because I'm starving. But the moment we're done, I'm going back to texting my sweetheart."
"Please don't say that in front of me. I might actually throw up," Chuuya groans, pretending to gag. He stands up to put on his shoes, Dazai doing the same.
"You just hate love. Don't worry, I'll ask my boyfriend if he has any friends who like stinky redheads," Dazai adds, opening the door.
Before he can finish, Chuuya kicks him in the leg.
"If anyone's stinky, it's you, smelly ass. You live in a dumpster and shower in the nearest river," Chuuya quips as they head down the hallway.
Dazai freezes. "How do you know I shower in the river? I never told you that."
Chuuya's heart skips a beat. Dazai had told @LeFestin that, not him. He quickly comes up with a lie.
"You forget how fast rumors spread in the mafia. Kouyou told me, if you really want to know," Chuuya replies, trying to sound casual.
"Ah, makes sense," Dazai says, though he's still suspicious.
"So, Chuuya," Dazai starts, changing the subject, "if you weren't in the mafia, what would you do?"
"I'd probably still be a criminal. I'm poor, have no education, no parents. Pretty easy to guess." Chuuya's sarcasm is thick, but he adds, "I'm lucky I have an ability. If I didn't, I'd probably be dead."
"I think you'd be a model," Dazai says, ignoring the sarcasm.
"Yeah, for a horror movie."
"Well, gingers aren't exactly known for their beauty, but if you want my honest opinion, I think you're pretty attractive."
"Are you being serious?"
"Nah, psych!" Dazai pushes Chuuya, making him fall, and takes off running as if his life depends on it. And it kind of does.
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, OSAMU DAZAI!" Chuuya yells, sprinting after him.
