Behind Her Eyes, Within Her Smile

CH.18

"I could be your study buddy if you like." Nala suggested

I admitted to her that I was falling behind in class for reasons I didn't really want to mention out loud, and more specifically to her. It was our first time going out together, but it felt like something we'd been doing for years. 

"I don't know if a study buddy could fix what's going on- I mean it could but I think I'm too far gone."

"What do you mean?"

"I haven't told anyone but I've been thinking about leaving law school."

Saying it out loud for the first time felt like I'd entered a new dimension. It didn't feel real. It was already floating around in my thoughts a few months ago, and with the recent events with Kamala it made me want to leave even more.

"Are you serious?" Nala sat up in her seat

"Yea... I've been heavily considering it. I didn't want to tell anyone because I spent some time wondering if the feelings were just temporary." I was getting emotional.

"Maybe they are temporary feelings. I think you should ponder a little longer before making anything official."

"You're right."

I never enjoyed completely opening up to people because it made me feel like a charity case; I didn't want to burden anyone with issues that I was dealing with.

"Until you figure it out, I'll gladly help you stay on track whether you like it or not." She laughed.

"I appreciate it."

I was trying to stay present, but the only thing that was on my mind was Kamala. I knew I had  no choice but to see her because I had her class tomorrow. What truly made me nervous was not knowing how I'd react to seeing her. 

"You seem like you have a lot on your mind. Are you alright?" Nala reached across the table touching my hand.

"Who? Me? Yes, I'm fine." I forced a smile on my face

"No you're not. Your mind is somewhere else. What's wrong?" She peered intently at me

"Nothing. I'm fine."  I was fidgeting around with the utensils that layed on my empty plate.

"I think we should end the night here. We could absolutely hang out some other time. Just give me a call." She walked over to my side of the table and kissed me on the cheek.

I stared off , in a daze, allowing my thoughts to run at a thousand miles per second. I didn't believe revenge could do anything for the emptiness I felt inside; I was realizing how attached I was to Kamala. I was pissed off with myself for allowing Nala to slip away from me tonight but I couldn't pull myself together.

When I got in my car I tried calling Kamala. Part of me wanted her to answer, while the other part of me needed her not to. It was hard trying to stand my ground and focus on proving a point; Kamala had been a major distraction for me over these couple of months, before her I was depressed and alone. I listened to the phone ring, and was crushed when the call ended at her voicemail. I was tempted to drive to her house but something reeled me back and I didn't do it. My best option was to go home and sleep it off.

Back at Home

At home it was dark and quiet, which was perfect for me because I didn't want to be bothered at all. As I was walking up the stairs I ran into Jasmine; The last person I wanted to see tonight.

"Hi, Low." She stopped in front of me

"Hey, Jas." I didn't bother trying to sound cheerful. I didn't have the energy for that.