The Idea Of Us (English Version)

14

I watched him walk slowly out of my sight. I smiled as tears kept falling down, and I stared at him with regrets written on my wretched face.

I wanted to stop him from leaving, and I took a deep breath. But I just can't choose him yet.

—

They thought I was sleep-deprived when they saw my swollen eyes from crying. Maybe I got even more stressed because of what happened earlier—it only added to my worries.

I managed to juggle both work and studies, but it feels like I've lost time for myself. Well, I can still put on makeup, buy bags, lipsticks. In short, I can pretend to be well-off.

I kept fixing myself up, and I succeeded. I was carrying my cartolinas and manila papers, ready for my report later.

I've been short on food, sleep, and rest just to balance work and school, and he's one of the reasons why, somehow, I could bear the exhaustion. And now, he's gone.

"Maya, could you help me here?" Garry called out, quickly coming over with her homework. I gave her a quick smile before setting the cartolinas and manila papers on the table at the front of the classroom. I unfolded them and started speaking.

"Later, Garry, please. I still have to fix my report," I tried not to raise my voice, grabbed the marker, and wrote down what I missed last night.

"And could you decorate the borders too? I haven't had breakfast yet!" Ella said, clutching her stomach. I tried not to feel irritated. Neither of us has eaten, so I don't understand why she doesn't just go to the canteen and eat, then do her design later.

I couldn't say it to them, though, because... well, I was afraid they'd think I'm selfish, that I don't know how to understand.

"Later, Ella!" I forced a smile, picking up highlighters in various colors.

"And answer my—" I cut Fat off mid-sentence.

"Fat, guys. Please, just stop for a moment! Let me catch my breath, you know I'm working on something here!" I half-shouted, half-pleaded, surprising all three of them. Even I was startled—it was impulsive! I didn't even realize I'd said it.

I glanced at Luna, who was taken aback by my sudden outburst; honestly, it wasn't even that loud—it only sounded loud because the classroom was so quiet.

At least Kim wasn't here; I knew how she'd enjoy seeing me like this.

He's here—Isaac is here. It's so awkward, and all I can do is avoid looking at him. Anyway, this will be our last day in this class together. I applied makeup, and honestly, it was exhausting. I have to hide my face so no one sees me bare-faced and thinks I'm only pretty because of makeup.

Beauty and wealth shape affection; without them, love is hard to find.

I looked at him again and asked myself, would he still be able to love me if I told him the truth?

"Hey—"

I was about to apologize for my sudden outburst when Garry suddenly spoke, catching me off guard! I didn't get it—why does she feel she has the right to talk to me like that, or rather, why do they?

"Please understand us—"

"Understand? Where did you get the nerve to ask me to understand you? Why? Have you ever once tried to understand me, ever even asked me if I was okay? No, right? Not even once!" Now, I was fully shouting, out of both anger and pain. And here come the tears again, spilling down, and I just let them. I was so tired of wiping them away, so I let them flow as they pleased, take over my eyes.

There's no point in wiping tears that won't stop anyway. They know just how much I'm hurting. I'm filled to the brim.

"It's funny how you can scold me like that when I should be the one calling you out! You, Garry! I prioritized finishing your homework over my own because I UNDERSTOOD you! And you, Ella! I gave you my food when you said you were hungry, even though you could've just gone to the canteen where your mom works. But you said you were starving, so I gave you my food even though I was starving too, because I UNDERSTOOD you—all of you. But not once did I feel any understanding coming from any of you, not once. But that was fine, because you're my friends—we all make mistakes, and that's okay. But it's so unfair that you have the guts to call me out, when I've never even received a shred of understanding from any of you!"

—

Once I finally calmed down, it struck me, all that I'd said and done. I felt a mix of guilt and relief, realizing just how raw I'd been. Maybe I just need some time to find myself again, to piece together what today has broken. It's been such a painful day. Maybe I just need a chance to breathe.

I only returned to the classroom when the bell rang, and even then, I avoided looking at them. I still wasn't ready to face anyone. And to be honest, I didn't regret a single word.

Somehow, I managed to deliver my report. Even though I was holding back tears the whole time, I pushed through.

Afterwards, I walked straight to the school grounds. Classes were over, and all I wanted was space. I clutched the cartolinas and manila papers tightly to my chest, letting the tears come as I stared blankly across the wide soccer field.

Maybe I just need some distance for a while, maybe I need to hide away from everyone. But I won't stop building these walls around me. Especially since Kim knows I've fallen out with my friends, and I know how sharp her mind is. She and her minions will use this against me if they get the chance.

My thoughts were interrupted by something on the ground—a rolled-up piece of paper. I picked it up, intending to throw it away, but without a trash can nearby, I tucked it into my pocket instead.

When I got home, I was utterly drained. As I wiped away my makeup, I stared at my reflection, and all I saw was a damaged, broken version of myself. No amount of makeup could cover the scars left by years of unhealthy coping, of seeking validation through self-sacrifice. Somewhere along the line, it became instinctive, a reflex I couldn't stop.

It's like an addiction, one I can't quit.

I've tried to love myself, flaws and all, but every time someone points out my insecurities, every painful idea of perfection rushes back to haunt me.

Then I remembered the paper I'd picked up. Checking my pocket, I found it, unrolled it, and looked at the words written inside.

Wabi-Sabi.