Not now

Someone by my side

I was walking home after the school day ended. It was complete shit. I felt like a loser. Well, I am a loser.
I'm a depressed loser, I guess you could say.

I couldn't participate in gym, because of my leg. Really, my leg was fine...It hurt like a bitch, but it was just that I didn't want to participate and blah blah blah. Im lazy as fuck.
And on top of this wonderful day, I have a fucking headache. How fun! Not.

I cant stop thinking about Gerard.
Before you say "awww", I don't mean it like that. I don't like him. I like him as a friend, but thats it.
Its just that, I cant stop thinking that he might care for me. Wait, what? Im fucking stupid. And crazy. We just met today, and I think he cares about me? No way. Maybe he was just being a nice friend.

But then again, 'a nice friend', doesn't stare at you like that, hold you like that, and make you feel like that. Wait? I don't know. Im confusing myself. I overthink too much. I hate anxiety.

I started to walk in through my front door to hear my mom saying
"Frankie! How was school?"

"Good, mom."
I lied.

I don't really open up to my mom that much, but thats okay. She never asks questions, and thats fine by me.

Im the only kid.
I actually liked it. No one to bother me.

I made my way up to my room and shut the door, and locked it. I plopped on my bed, being stressed out then ever.
Gerard probably thinks Im a fucking loser now. A fag that cries at everything.
Which I am.
I don't want to go back to that hellhole tomorrow and face the bullies, and especially Gerard.

I feel empty and alone right now.
What do I do when I feel like this?
I self destruct.
I opened up a random book that I keep my blade in, and picked up the blade.
I took off my Smashing Pumpkins hoodie off, to revel my hideous arms,
covered in scars.
Who put those scares there?
Me.

Time to put new ones on.

I drag the blade across my wrist, pressing down. A thin, white line appears, and soon after, the blood starts to drip. It soothes me. It makes me forget.

I ate dinner, kissed my mom goodnight, and headed to my room.
I really need some sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~

6:00 am

Shit. Its time to wake up. I should skip today.
But I cant.
I wear my dark washed jeans, with a Nirvana tee, my black converse, and a black hoodie. It was a chilly September morning, thats for sure.

I was at my locker, putting my stuff away. The bell rings in 10 minutes, and the hallway was getting a little crowded.

I saw someone coming my way.

Shit.
It was Gerard.

I saw him holding hands with Lindsey, until she went to her locker, and Gerard started coming towards me.

"Hey Frank."
he said in a small voice.

"Gerard.. H- hey." I stuttered.
I needed to apologize.

"Gerard, listen. Im sorry for acting like such an idiot yesterday. I really don't know what the fuck came over me. I looked like a bitch in front of someone I just met, and Im sorry. I hope we can be cool from now on."

He had the look of sorrow in his eyes again.

"Frank, stop. Seriously. You got made fun of, along with me, and got beaten up. And it was your first day. I don't expect you to be tough."

".. and you did not look like an idiot. At all. I did. I didn't stand up to Kelvin and his friend. I was being a pussy. You stood up to him. And I was so happy when you did."