Alive : Hockey Fan Fiction

Chapter 3 : The Damage is Done

Today is the day of my meeting. I know I need to go but after what happened last time you can understand my hesitation to want to put myself through that again. I need to be able to talk about this, though, and these are the only people I can talk to. Jamie is at a season ticket holder event for the team so I am able to leave the house without having to make an excuse. It has been a few days since the pool party and it has been a struggle to keep it all together. I feel so guilty for cheating on Jamie. I have been trying to act as normal as I can but I can feel myself unraveling. I feel as if my brain is going to burst between trying to push the incident with Tyler deep down where nobody can find out to my constant urges to take some random people and do unthinkable things to them.

I sit in my living room staring at the clock on the cable box watching the minutes tick by as if they were hours. I am just counting down the time until I can leave and be among people who understand me. Whenever I let my mind be at ease images of the shower fill my brain. It's like I can feel him, smell him, taste him all over again. It's so vivid in my mind. Just thinking about it gets me all worked up. I'm not supposed to be doing this, thinking about sex. I am supposed to be occupying my mind with other things when I start to think about sex. Thinking about it only leads to more bad decisions. If Dr. Murray knew I was actually trying to relive it all over again he would be so disappointed in me.

I am not supposed to masterbate. It leads to days of not leaving the house. It's dangerous for me. It's the only way I can get any release. I have to get through these thoughts somehow. Every time I close my eyes I see his eyes. Every time I close my eyes I see his perfectly chiseled body. I feel him inside me all over again. If I don't get release now I don't know what I will do when I am out in the world. Everything I have been taught and everything have been working for seems like it's all been for nothing. One person shouldn't have pushed me so over the edge. How did I let it get like this? Staying in the house isn't making this any better. I have to get out. I feel trapped in here.

I drive around for a bit and find myself circling around the block that the building the meeting is in is on. It's not for another hour but I park in the parking lot. I stare down at my phone. I have the address book open on my screen. I know Dr. Murray is off today. He gave me his personal phone number only for extreme emergencies. This feels like an extreme emergency. I have never used this number, not once. I have been tempted many times but I want to respect his personal life. I want to have boundaries. I hate that sometimes I depend on him too much.

The time crawls slower than molasses but I managed not to call or text anyone while sitting in my car and waiting for the meeting to start. Once I see a few people walk in I follow behind them and take a seat. More people start to shuffle in and one by one I watch them to see if I can get a read on who is the one that told Tyler. I don't know how I am supposed to tell but that doesn't stop me from speculating. Once the meeting starts I let a few people speak before speaking myself. I take the time to think about what I am going to say this time. I know I am going to have to admit that I slept with Tyler. It will be the first time I say it out loud to anyone. Once there is a break in the speaking volunteers I take it as my cue to go next.

"Before I start I need to say something first. This is supposed to be a safe place. I come to these meetings because I have nowhere else to go for support. I thought I was among people who I could trust...who I know know exactly what I am going through." I pause as the other people in the meeting start to stir in their chairs and uncomfortable expressions slowly come over their faces. I can tell the mediator is in a panic but I continue, "Last week was my first meeting. It wasn't easy getting up in front of strangers and talking about my addiction. Some one in this room told my boyfriend's best friend the things I stood up and spoke about. Not only was this a betrayal but it sparked that friend to continuously come on to me which brings me to what I have to now confess today. I am Amy, I am a sex addict, and I slept with my boyfriend's best friend." There is a dead silence. Everyone just starts looking around the room, presumably to try to figure out who the mole is. At this point it doesn't matter. The damage is done.