Alive : Hockey Fan Fiction

Chapter 4 : Jamie Finds Out

I have been so nervous about this day. Today is my appointment with Dr. Murray where not only am I going to admit to being a sex addict to my boyfriend of two years, I am also going to have to tell him I have cheated on him. Dr. Murray doesn't even know what I have done. It was hard for me to bring up going to the therapist with me to Jamie but once I did he seemed excited to come with me. If he only knew. His willingness to come also makes this incredibly hard. I don't want to ambush him but it feels like that is exactly what I am doing. I haven't been able to sleep. I am on edge all the time. It's hard for me to even look at Jamie knowing what I have done and knowing what I am going to have to tell him. I love him and I know I am going to lose him.

The car ride to Dr. Murray's office is so quiet. I don't think Jamie knows what to expect and I am terrified of what is going to happen when I tell him everything. I am trying to hold it together but it's hard. I know this is going to be the end of our relationship. He stares out of the window as I drive. I glance over at him once in a while and it makes me want to turn around and go back home. Maybe I can just tell him about the sex addiction now and about Tyler some other time. I am not ready for this. I don't want to hurt him. My heart beats faster the closer we get. I pull up to the parking lot and park in my usual spot in the back of the lot. Jamie opens his door and begins to climb out of the car but I stay where I am with my hands still on the steering wheel.

He puts his hands on the hood of the car and leans down to peak in. "Are you coming?" he asks, confused as to why I am still sitting in the car.

I try to contain my emotions but they get the best of me and I can no longer hold it in. The combination of the stress of keeping these secrets and knowing what telling him means is too much to keep inside any longer. Tears roll down my cheeks and I begin to sob. Jamie quickly gets back in the car and shuts the door. He just looks at me, concerned, unsure of what to do or where this is coming from. He is a man of few words to begin with. "I'm sorry," I cry out as I wipe the tears from my eyes only to have more replace them.

"What is going on, Amy?" he asks seriously. I can tell I am scaring him. I don't blame him. All of this is coming out of nowhere and I am not one to have outbursts like this.

I am going to just have to tell him right here, right now. There is no getting out of it. "The reason I brought you here today, the reason I go to therapy, is something that only a handful of people know about me. It's not something I easily talk about." I turn away from looking at him and stare at my steering wheel in front of me. "I'm a sex addict. I'm sorry I never told you." I look up from the steering wheel to see a blank expression on his face. I wish that was all I had to tell him.

"Wow, ok, wow. I don't know what to say." He takes his hat off, runs his fingers through his hair, and puts his hat back on. "This is a lot to take in. I mean, I had no idea."

I hang my head and mumble, "that's not all I have to tell you." I take a deep breath before continuing on. I am so scared about what is going to happen that I can feel my hands shaking. I know I have to tell him but I don't want to hurt him. I hate myself for not stopping him. I can't blame it on my addiction. I know I am ultimately responsible. I wish I was stronger. "I slept with Tyler."

"You're fucking kidding, right? You fucked Tyler?" I can't even look at him. I continue to stare at my steering wheel. I can hear him open the door. "I can't even look at you right now. I am going to kill him." I close my eyes as I begin to cry. "I am leaving and don't even think about coming home. We are over." The next thing I hear is the door slamming. I look up and watch him walk away.

I look into my rear view mirror and see the building behind me. I know I should go in and talk to Dr. Murray but I am not in the mood. I don't want to have to admit to him how weak I have become. All of the work I have put in to control myself is for nothing. I should have told Jamie from the beginning, maybe we could have avoided this. It's too late now. What is done is done. Where do I even go from here? I need to clear my head. I need to let off some steam. I need to drink...a lot.