Dear Diary

Chapter 2

Raph woke up slowly, unsure of where he was. It didn't take him long to realize he was on the couch, in the same place that he ended up after his fight with Leo. He had been waiting for Leo to get home so he could talk to him, and must have dozed off.
He gazed groggily at the digital clock across the room. 3:30 A.M. Raph cursed himself slightly. He hadn't meant to fall asleep. He slowly made his way to Leo's room to see if his older brother had snuck in without waking him earlier in the night. The door to his brother's room was open, the room in pristine order, the bed empty and untouched. Raph let out a sad sigh and wondered where his brother could be. Shouldn't he have been back by now?

Raph wandered back over to the couch and sank back down into the cushions, resting his head in his hands, rubbing his palms over his eyes. Why did he feel the need to start fights with Leo? Raph could not even answer that question for himself. He knew deep down his brother was a great leader, that the family would be lost without him, but for some reason he always felt the need to question his judgements, his authority, and everything else his brother did.

And then there was Raph's anger. He had always had a problem with holding in his anger and frustrations. He had a tendency to get hot headed, stubborn, rash, and, hey lets face it, overreact sometimes. Raph laughed coolly at himself. That was an understatement. He couldn't say why he was the way he was. Why he felt the need to say hurtful things even though everyone knew he didn't mean them. Why he yelled and screamed at the people he loved. He always let his anger, frustration, and emotions get the best of him, and for the life of him he didn't know how to control it.

It wasn't like he liked fighting with his older brother all the time. Well, O.K., sometimes he liked it, but not for the sake of hurting his brother. He liked the challenge, he liked the adrenaline rush, he liked questioning authority, he liked rebellion, and Leo was the only one of his brothers that offered him the challenges he longed for. So he pushed his buttons? Leo always pushed back. And in the end, it always worked itself out.

But tonight he had pushed too far. He had said words that even he knew were wrong the second they left his mouth. Though when he said the words, his body was still tense and unwavering, on the inside his mind was screaming with regret. Then that look his brother had on his face, the one that Leo thought he had hid well, it was almost like Leo was giving up. It struck Raph to the core. But Leo doesn't give up, he never gives up. And yet, he had. He had walked out silently without another word. And that single action was what finally brought the reality of the situation crashing down upon Raph's head.

He didn't hate Leo. He loved his brother, he respected the hell out of him as well, though he would never tell Leo that. Raph could not figure out why he had allowed those words to cross his mouth. Nothing about the events of this night were any different from the ones before, but for some reason Raph had taken the argument to a new level that even he didn't know he was capable of.

Why did he say that? Did he really hate Leo? Deep down in his core was there a whole fleet of emotions that he could not control that finally had broken free and were unleashed onto his unsuspecting sibling? 'No, never,' Raph though quickly. There wasn't a fiber in his being that hated his brother. Leo frustrated him, pushed him, grated on him, annoyed him, but never has Raph hated him. Raph knew the feelings that had been revealed tonight had never been meant for his brother, or any of his family. Raph didn't hate Leo. He hated himself.

He was floating in a cool pool of water, the wind softly kissing his face, the sounds of birds chirping ringing through his ears. He looked up to the painted green canopy, watching the beauty of nature unfold around him. He suddenly heard a soft laugh, one he knew well. He felt hair brush his face, warm breath on his cheek, a hand placed on his. He let a smile cross his face ever so slowly and let himself believe...
Leo awoke suddenly as a crash of thunder rang out above him. He was lost, and disoriented, but the rough pavement below him and the large raindrops splattering on his face brought him back to cold reality. Leo sighed softly. He must have fallen asleep on the roof where he had ended up hours before. Leo shivered slightly as more cold raindrops spattered across his body. Another pound of thunder echoed around him as he wrapped his arms around himself.