Dear Diary

Chapter 11

Over the next couple of days reading Leonardo's journal is exactly what the family did. Splinter at first was unsure if reading it was the right course of action. His son, after all, did deserve his privacy. But after thinking on Raphael's dramatic reaction to what had been written, he had decided it would be the right thing to do to read Leonardo's thoughts and gain a better understanding of the depression Raphael had described.
He had asked Donatello to read it first. He knew his mild mannered son would not overreact to the words in the diary and had wanted to first gage if what was inside the journal was as serious as Raphael had made it seem before he himself broke into his son's private thoughts. Donatello had read the book quickly, and on seeing his intelligent son's face after finishing, he knew that Raphael had not overreacted, and that what was in those pages was serious indeed.

Michelangelo had wanted to read it next, his curious nature taking hold and concern for his oldest brother raging, but Splinter had felt that it was imperative that he read it next. If there was something seriously wrong with his son's mind, he needed to know about it.

And so he had begun reading the private thoughts of his oldest son. With each page turned, Splinter's worry grew more and more as he took in the pain, grief, and tragedy his child had experienced in the past year. There was no doubt his son had fallen into a deep depression as long ago as before he left for training, and had still been in one as recently as two weeks before.

Splinter was deeply troubled that he had not noticed this about his eldest child. He had sent Leonardo away for leadership training, reading his son's actions after the Shredder as stemming from a restless mind that was itching to further his education and training. He knew now that Leonardo's anger and endless training before sending him away had not stemmed from restlessness, but from a deep dissatisfaction with himself and from his fear of letting his family down.

Splinter now realized that what Leonardo had needed was not to be sent away, but to be comforted and reassured by his family around him. But Splinter had made a grave mistake and had done just the opposite, sent him away to wallow further in his own feelings of imperfection alone. Not only that but he had also caused his relationship with his brothers to be alienated further by sending him away without good explanation. Leonardo had returned from his training with the weight of the world on his shoulders and had come home to a bitter family that was unresponsive to his needs. And so it seemed his response was to curl up deeper within himself, dealing with his burning grief and insecurities on his own. Splinter could not deny that this was all his fault.

But what Splinter had found most shocking was the girl. His eldest son had fallen in love during his trip to Central America, and had lost it. He had seen the picture of the young girl and she had been beautiful. Leonardo had spoken of her in every entry, and he had even said that he loved her. But what had been the most shocking and amazing was that she had returned the love. The girl had been able to see past Leonardo's turtle form and fall for him. Splinter sighed softly, only imagining the deep grief his son must have suffered in losing his first and only love. Splinter's heart broke for his son's loss.

Splinter then gasped slightly, remembering a time about six months ago.

Flashback

Splinter sat very still upon his soft maroon pillows that littered his room, his eyes were softly closed, his mouth slack with a deep relaxation. His breaths came slow and deep causing the only sound that was emitting from the motionless rat. The few large candles lit around him flickered light softly across his body, illuminating him in a soft glow that barely filled the room. Another deep breath was taken, and Splinter's mind reached farther.

A loud crash and irritated yelling was suddenly heard down the hall, rousing the rat from his deep meditative state. He opened his eyes and narrowed them, wondering what troubles his younger sons were getting themselves into. There was suddenly a deep pang in his heart as he thought of his oldest son, who had been gone for months, and who he missed deeply.