Dear Diary

Chapter 1

"As long as I'm leader you have to respect what I say!" Leonardo huffed, storming into the lair after their latest run in with the Purple Dragons. He was sick and tired of the same argument. Over and over again the arguments played out, and they always ended the same. Deep down he had hoped that things would get better after he got back from training, and they almost did. After his capture during the Winter's adventure, things seemed to have calmed down within the family, and the two warring brothers had finally seemed to come to a respectful understanding. But that hadn't lasted long and Raph once again began falling into his normal feelings of resentment, and he and Leo were once again constantly butting heads.
"Who said we need a leader anymore. Last time I checked we were fine for the time you were gone. Or don't you remember? We can take care of ourselves, and we don't need a pompous know it all telling us what to do!" Raph growled, unconsciously twirling his sai in his clenched hand.

"I am not trying to be a know it all Raph, I am trying to keep our family safe." Leo pushed out. He was starting to get that familiar feeling of helpless frustration creep in as he watched the stern faces of his brother stare back at him. Why didn't they understand that? Why could they not understand him?

Don looked uncomfortable with the situation. He seemed very interested in the floor as the voices of his brothers echoed off the walls of their underground lair. Mikey looked unsure of everything, unsure of what side to pick, unsure of where this was going, unsure of how to end this. And then there was Raph. Leo knew the stance, the posture, the face well. He was ready for another stand off scream match, and Leo didn't know if he had the energy to face another one.

"Our family can take care of themselves! You are always telling us what to do, always smothering us. We've had enough!" Raph said, his voice rising to new levels.

"I don't know what you want from me." Leo said, exasperated. He couldn't do this. Not now. He was too tired and too frustrated. Most days he would square off with his rebellious brother, try to make him see reason. But today Leo was starting to understand that would never happen. In order to make them see reason, they had to understand, and they didn't. They never would. "I am trying to do my best, to fulfill the role that Splinter assigned me, and I can't do it when every one of my steps is met with resistance and distain!"

"I have a great answer for you then, Oh Fearless Leader," Raph spat. Every muscle in his entire body was tense and drawn as he stared down his older brother. "Leave us alone! I hate the way you boss, I hate the way you lecture, I hate the way you never let us have any fun, I hate you!"

Don's head snapped up at those words, his face drawn into a tight, uncomfortable frown. Mikey froze as the words were yelled out, now looking more unsure than ever as to how to handle this situation that had quickly flown out of control. No one in this family ever said those words. They were too close, they loved eachother, didn't they? Mike and Don knew they didn't hate Leo, they loved their older brother with all their heart. But this wasn't their fight, right?

'I hate you.' The words may as well have been a closed fist punching Leo strait in the stomach. Raph had never said those words to him before. They had yelled, screamed, cursed, and fought. But never had those three words been spat out. Is this what it had come to? Is this what his family had finally come to think of him?

Leo's shoulder sagged ever so slightly at those words. He could feel his breaths becoming harder to take, almost as though someone was grabbing his chest and pushing with all their might. His eyes flashed hurt and sadness across them, but only for a second. The emotions he was feeling were quickly buried, but he couldn't trust himself to speak another word. He swallowed hard, suddenly unable to meet his raging brother's gaze. He finally couldn't take the tension and overwhelming emotion he was feeling anymore. He turned and briskly walked out of the door to the lair and out into the night.

"Good going Raph," Mikey finally piped up after a tense minute of silence. His comment was met be the sudden slump in his brother's body posture, almost as if a cork had been released and his air had been drained out.

Raph slowly lowered himself down on the couch behind him. "Why did I say that?" he asked to no one in particular.

"I don't know." Don said quietly. "But when Leo comes back, you have to make this right. We don't hate him, and I know you don't either. I didn't have a problem with how he handled tonight, as a matter of fact, he has proven again that he is a good leader, and we need him." Don sighed, and glanced back at his now deflated brother. "Make this right Raph." Were his last words has he disappeared into his lab.

After another moment of tense silence, Mikey floated quietly out of the room as well, leaving Raph alone to think about the events that had just transpired.

Leo found himself running as fast as he could through the tunnels of his underground home. He couldn't think, he couldn't breath. His head was spinning from overwhelming emotion. He needed air, his lungs were starving for air and he couldn't fill them.
He quickly climbed the next ladder he came to and threw off the lid, suddenly engulfed in the cool night air. He gulped it in like a parched animal that finally found water. He pulled his tired body the rest of the way out of their underground world. Suddenly he felt the urge to be as close to the sky as he could be. He began to climb the fire escape of the nearest building, needing to see the starry sky that had comforted him so many times when he was far from his family in the jungles of Central America. He made it to the roof and looked up, and was met with nothing but thick clouds and city smog. Feeling that familiar feeling of drowning, Leo began running once again, jumping from roof top to roof top, not sure where he was going, but feeling the need to run, to escape the helpless feeling that was consuming his very being.

He ran until his legs finally collapsed out from under him and he sank to the ground, atop the roof of a building he didn't recognize. He leaned his body against the side, letting his head fall into his arms. He hadn't even realized the tears that had begun flowing down his face. Those few tears led to a crack in his carefully built dam, and the salty drops began to fall faster, until he could no longer stop them, and Leo did something he hadn't done in a long time. He cried.