loving you can make Jesus cry

perfect

Matthew 5:48 - "You, therefore, must be perfect as your heavenly father is perfect."

Fourth, Nattawat would like to believe he had a pretty good life. He had parents who loved him and took care of him and gave him everything that he could possibly ever need. He had an adorable little sister who was like a ray of sunshine in his life. He once had a brother, but... they didn't talk about him anymore.

He was considered the picture perfect of a good Christian boy any parent would be proud to have. In fact, that's what all the aunties and uncles at church would say to their kids every Sunday as if it was a compliment, but it just made Fourth uncomfortable. Especially with how the other kids his age would look at him seething. But Fourth didn't refute any of them but simply smiled and accepted the compliments with a murmured thank you.

His father always told him to respect his elders, to be humble and not proud. So even though Fourth would want to say something, he doesn't. He smiles politely and keeps his head down.

He does what he is told. He helps where he can. He doesn't complain. He never complains. If he complained of being tired, if his smile is loop sided, if his posture isn't rimrod straight then... then he would be failing, and he wouldn't be perfect, and he had to be. He had to be perfect.

Perfect hair, not a lock out of place.

Perfect posture at all times, no slouching.

Perfect grades, straight A's.

Perfect and polite smile at all times.

Perfect... That's what Fourth aspired to be, and it got drilled into him from a very young age that he needed to aim to be perfect just as his heavenly father is perfect. Because his heavenly father is without flaws, but it was tiring. It was tiring not having your own thoughts, not having the ability to express your own feelings. It was tiring to hold oneself in such impossibly high standards that Fourth doesn't think anyone could possibly achieve. But he tried.

"You are good, boy. Fot. Remember to never stray away from the righteous path." His father would tell him, and all Fourth could do was nod solemnly like the good filial son he was.

He didn't understand it, though. The righteous path his father would always tell him about. He didn't quite get the grasp of what's really right or wrong in some situations. In some situations, he couldn't tell what was black or white. Some situations were in the grey scale, but grey was not a colour that existed in Fourth's world. It was either black or white, good or evil.

There was a time when he had asked his father a question he was curious about when he was younger. He had read that all sins were equal, that no sin was bigger than the other. So if you sin, then you will surely have to go to hell. There was no way around it.

"Dad, if a person steals to feed his family and save them from starvation, is that bad? Will they go to hell for it?" Fourth had asked,  he was 7 years old at the time.

"All sins are equal in the eyes of God." Was his father's answer and Fourth took that as an affirmative, but it had bothered his young mind because he couldn't comprehend how stealing for survival was seen to be as bad as killing someone.

It had him thinking and asking more questions that his brother, at the time, was more than happy to answer for him. His brother had been the only person willing to listen to him express himself. He had been the only one to encourage him to think for himself.

"You are good. Fotfot. Trust your instincts. If you feel like something is bad, then it probably is. But never close yourself off to other possibilities. That's why you need to put yourself in other people's shoes to understand their perspectives, and only then could you understand their motives. Whether good or bad. Do you understand?" His older brother had once said to him. Fourth had nodded, and he thinks he understood. It was certainly better than the answers he would receive from his father or Sunday school teacher.