(DANNY'S POV)
"You're here... Some people were looking for you. They wanted to say goodbye." Steph gets in the room with swollen eyes, the proof she cried her eyes out. She loved mom but I never thought she would be that sad.
"I've had my dose of civility for today. Let me not give a damn peacefully now." I push the back of my head into the pillow. She winces at the word 'dose' and shakes her head, certainly thinking of the way mom died. I told her the truth because I couldn't find it in me to lie to her when I saw how devastated she was at the news.
"What is it with not giving a damn that makes people look so sexy?" She comes to sit next to me, getting rid of her high heels.
"Maybe the relief of letting go looks like strength. And strength looks sexy." I tell, taking a look at my bare chest and realize she was surely talking about my body and not my state of mind. Wearing all black by this heat was killing me.
"If you'd ask me, vulnerability too. I'd say it's even sexier. Being naked in front of someone. And you let them see you. All the imperfections, the scars, the wounds that are not healed yet and look gross. Your bleeding heart. My gosh, the stretch marks." She chuckles a little before falling back into a pool of sadness.
"If this is your definition of strength..."
"It's what we all hide. And that's why we can't let go." I don't understand what this means but I am too tired to ask.
"We never stopped seeing each other, Danny. We met on Wednesdays and talked for hours. I asked her to keep it a secret cause you wouldn't like it." She admits and this instantly makes me frown. I gulp that bittersweet feeling down, thinking of everything it means.
"I went to see her the morning she died. She looked happy. And if you're still wondering if she did that on purpose, the answer is no. She was a strong woman and was trying to get better. For you and- Herself. It was a special day. I really don't understand what went wrong but she was not suicidal when I left her." My goodness. How was I not aware of that?
"Suicidal people can look like they're living their best life before committing the worst." I say, trying to forget what she just said.
"Danny, I can assure you it wasn't the case for her. It was a special day for her." She bows her head like she is trying not to say too much.
"What is it? What do you know that you're trying to keep from me?"
"I promised I wouldn't tell you."
"She's dead now. Contract termination."
"My goodness, Danny. Can you stop talking about her death with so much ease? It hurts." She catches a few teardrops with the tip of her finger, like she would if she had make-up on. Maybe she is doing it out of habit.
"I'm still trying to let it sink. I think I'm still in denial or something like that. It's like I know she is gone. I saw the corpse and the coffin. I saw the burial. I saw her empty room. But somehow, it feels like she is still here." I tell.
"She will always be here, Danny." She grabs my hand and squeezes it.
"She won't. But thanks for trying to console me. I can't help being angry when I think of her now. I am sad and I know it's been hard for her. I know she tried to fight it, to win those endless battles. But I am mad at her for not trying harder. Drugs were slowly killing her until they weren't that slow anymore. They won. She let them win." I am surprised so much bitterness didn't poison my body enough to kill me.
"She was tired, Danny. Her body and mind went through so much. She had support from a few people only. But I can tell you for sure she didn't want to die. Maybe something happened that made her change her mind. Maybe it was the excitement or anxiousness."
