Oyama: Her Story

CHAPTER 25

Phiwe is right, I can’t fix my relationship if I’m over here. So after dinner I left, didn’t take out my overnight bag so Mxolisi didn’t notice, he has asked where, I’m staying but I said at a friends and he was still curious so I said a friend from my Uni-days. Then further lied by saying, I’m staying with ‘her’ because I’m thinking of transferring here. He was skeptical, but I told him to trust me and he just nodded and off I left again. So here I stand, the elevator dings open and I step in. I press the top button, and up it goes. My hands are sweating and shaking, which is weird because they never sweat or shake. Everything with Qhawe is a first, it dings open. I swipe the card that was next to the car keys, forgot that was the security feature. The doors open and I step out. All the lights are on, thought he’d still be out, it smells good too. He walks down the stairs and freezes when he sees me, clenches his jaw and keeps walking and heads into the kitchen. I turn my head as I see him stand in the kitchen hands on the counter and then turns back and grabs a bottle of water from the fridge, twists and takes a big gulp. I slowly walk into the kitchen, I stand by the entrance to give him space. I stand my hands gripping the straps of the overnight bag I packed tightly. He takes another gulp of water and closes the bottle, twisting the cap, over and over. He’s angry. I mean how many times must you twist a cap to know its closed?

“You came back?” he starts. I open my mouth but no words come out.
“Why?” he asks.
“Ndibuyile”(I came back) I say.
“Why?” he asks, still not looking at me.
“Ndifuna ukuba la, nawe”(I want to be here, with you) I say. There is silence between us, a deep silence. He finally turns his head, looking at me with his piercing eyes. I always loved his eyes, never knew they could be used against me, I can’t take it anymore, I look away and then down to my hands, still holding the overnight bag.
“Ndifuna ukubalapha Qhawe, ndifuna ukuba nawe”(I want to be here Qhawe, I want to be with you) I repeat. Now I don’t know why I left in the first place.
“Why?” he asks.
I look up at him, he hasn’t moved his head at all, its still the same as when I looked down, “Because I love you” I say.
He walks towards me, grabs the bag from my hands and walks off, I don’t know if I should follow him or what, but I stand still. He walks back into the kitchen, he heads to his pot, I didn’t realize he was cooking.
“You cooking?” I ask, stupid question, I know.
He looks over his shoulder, “Yes, that’s what people do when they are hungry” he says.
Really dude, I’m trying to fix our relationship and you are cooking, like the fuck?
“When you asked me what I wanted from this relationship, do you remember what I said?” he asks with his back towards me.
I wish he would look at me right now, “You said you needed me to stand by you through it all, that you wanted loyalty,” I say, “And I promised you that,” I say.
“Yes you did, and the first time, we have a fight, you pack your shit and say you going to your brothers. Uyaphuma emzini wam. O bitshang ntweo. Hm ntoni le!”(You leave my house, what do you call that? What is that) he says with one eye looking back.
“Qhawe please look at me…”
He raises his finger and I take a step back, “Trust me, you don’t want me to look at you right now” he puts his finger down and continues to stir.
What does that mean?
“I’m sorry” I say. He turns around and I feel like an ant in front of him.

“Mamela and umamele kakuhle, uyandiva ukuba ndithetha isiXhosa, kuba asisayi kuphinda sibe nayo le ntetho”(Listen and listen well, you hear I’m speaking Xhosa, that’s because we are never gonna have this talk again) he says, I wanna run away but my legs are frozen in one place, “Awundishiyi(You don’t leave me), I don’t care how angry you, because the next time you pull something like this, you better stay away for good” he takes a step forward, and I’m still frozen, he’s really scary now, “We’re past the petty fights, and little tantrums stage, and I need you to tell me now, right here if you’re going to be able to respect me as your man?” I nod. I don’t know which point I’m nodding to but I nod.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
He takes a deep breath and then hugs me, I’m still frozen, I wrap my arms around him. As he holds me, the tightness in his arms feels like he’s trying to tether me, anchor me, like he needs me to stay close so he can believe that I’m really here. I rest my head against his shoulder, feeling his heartbeat slow as he breathes in and lets the anger dissolve, bit by bit.
"Are you staying?" he finally asks, his voice softer now but his tone unyielding, as if he’s asking more than just about tonight.
Like bro, you took my bag, of course but I know he needs to hear it, “Yes,” I whisper, I didn’t but my voice got stuck in my throat.