The Punk and the Ballerina

Love Him from the Crowd

Ari's point of view. November 2005.

It was the weekend. Dance class ended early and Sebastian and Jeremy had picked me up. They had Alice in Chains playing, a band I was liking more and more.

"A fundraiser?" Sebastian asked.

"You guys need to start playing gigs, and my father needs a band," I bargained. "I think it might help make you look good, perhaps we won't have to keep sneaking around."

My dad's college was throwing a fundraiser to raise money for Hurricane Katrina victims. Andy, myself, and three other dancers from class were going to perform a routine at the benefit.

"Sounds like a win/win," Jeremy nodded.

"Alright, we'll do it. But how do we convince your dad?" Sebastian stretched his arms in the cramped car.

I thought for a minute. My dad would be easier to per sway than my mom, especially when it came to rock music. "You have songs uploaded to your MySpace? I'll just have him listen to those, and maybe you guys could take a cheap pay?"

"We would do it for free if it was for you, Ari," Jeremy playfully winked at me.

Sebastian hit his arm. "Get your own."

"With you and Cody having girlfriends and Mace attracting girls like magnets, I need to find a chick. My singleness is showing."

"One is the loneliest number..." Sebastian jokingly sang.

I found myself joining in on the impromptu song. Jeremy pouted the rest of the ride.

Dad was home before Mom was. Perfect opportunity. I pulled up Sebastian's band's MySpace page. Sebastian looked so good in pictures, my rock star. I played their song "Garage Song" at a loud volume. Such a good song, it had been stuck in my head for the last few days.

"What are you listening to?" Dad walked over to the computer.

Time to turn on the charm. "It's this cool band from my school, Sinful Joy. They're new and have great songs."

Dad paused as he silently listened to the raging track. It was hard to read what he was thinking, a master of poker faces.

"What do you think?" I finally asked.

"They're not bad. They remind me of the Ramones."

"Who are the Ramones?"

Dad's eyes nearly bugged out of his head. It looked like I committed a sin. He went to our sounds system and put a CD in. A rock song filled the living room.

"These are the Ramones. They were my favorite band in college, they were the reason I bought my first leather jacket," Dad reminisced. The nostalgia danced in his blue gray eyes.

We spent the next two hours talking about rock music. Dad used to sell his friend's band's merch at local shows, he even learned a few notes on the bass guitar, but never had time to commit to learning how to play. He went to a bunch of concerts, including the Ramones. He swears he met Kris Novoselic at a grunge show before Nirvana got famous. It was wild seeing my professional, serious, professor father used to be a free spirited rock enthusiast. He showed me pictures from his college era, he even had long hair, a far cry from his short hair. It was nice having this moment to bond with my father.

We got so caught up in Dad's golden years I almost forgot about Sebastian's band. "So what do you think about Sinful Joy playing at the fundraiser?"

Dad closed his photo album. "I'll give them a chance. I think they have potential."

I hugged Dad. I wanted more moments like this.

***

The fundraiser came quicker than I expected. Sinful Joy were ready to make their debut. My dance group had already performed our routine to much applause. It was fun dancing, but I was more excited to see Sebastian finally play in front of a crowd. As Sebastian stood behind the microphone, he flashed me his pinky, our secret sign to each other. Butterflies fluttered wildly in my tummy and heart.

"What's up Berkeley? We're Sinful Joy, and this our first show!" Sebastian announced to the audience, which lead to cheers. "Thanks for having us, we're excited to raise money for a good cause. Ready to rock?!"

The crowd screamed in response. The band launched into "Garage Song." The audience was into it, head banging and dancing. I lost myself in the song, it was so different hearing the song live and in a concert setting.

I never been to a concert. I had seen ballets, a Broadway show in New York, and operas, but never a concert or a rock show. Rock was so different than the stuff I had been to, it was more alive and fearless. I felt wild and free. I had to behave and sit still at ballets, but this show...I could let go, misbehave. I needed to see a rock concert before I die, especially if they were going to make me feel like this.

"I'll play my garage song all night long,

My homemade anthem,

A song for the rebels,

Breaking records and hearts..."

Sebastian was smoking hot on stage. This is was where he was meant to be. I was so lucky. I just wanted to kiss his talented lips.

"He's not bad," Bianca yelled in my year.

I watched her and Lily jump and dance to the song. I found my parents sitting at table. Dad was bopping his head along, while Mom watched on. She looked...bored? Annoyed? How could anyone be bored at a rock show?

I made my way through the crowd to their table. "Aren't they great?"

"Awesome," Dad flashed me his devil horns.

"It's just a bunch of noise. Honestly Henry, couldn't you have found a more serious band?" Mom said with a look of disgust.

I literally didn't understand what she meant by Sinful Joy not being a serious band. They were performing, recording songs, and promoting themselves just like any other band. I didn't understand why Mom hated rock music so much. Maybe some parents just didn't understand, rather Mom just didn't understand or chose to not understand. I don't know how Mom and Dad were together, especially since Dad loved rock, but had to keep his love and memories in boxes in the closet. Was it really love if you had to keep parts of yourself stowed away collecting dust? I would probably never ask them that, I was scared to know the answer. 

Screaming and applause took my attention away from my heavy thoughts. Sebastian snuck a smile to me. "Here's something slower and sentimental. It's a song inspired by someone special. It's called 'Serendipity'."

Oh my heart.

"I found you when I wasn't looking,

A rainbow in the dark,

A treasure worth keeping.

You're my sunset Starburst,

Loving me at my fucking worst..."

Bianca lightly jabbed me in the ribs. She knew. I shook my head, but she knew.

"Your secret is safe with me," she whispered to me.

"My serendipity,

My absolutely,

My sure fire certainty.

My sweet serendipity..."

Sebastian was my serendipity. He was my muse, and I was his. I wanted to be his hit song, be there when he got successful, watch our dreams come true together. I didn't care what my mom thought about him. My heart knew him. I wanted him. I loved him.

I'll continue to love him from the crowd.