The Punk and the Ballerina

Busted

Ari's point of view. June 2008.

Who knew two little pink lines could change my entire life. I was pregnant. What the hell was I going to do? A baby was not part of the plan.

A baby. My baby. I had a baby inside of me. I kept rubbing my tummy. My anxiety and fear suddenly turned warm and loving. I was carrying a life inside of me. The need of protection washed over me. No matter what I decided to do, I knew this baby needed to be safe.

Bianca and I sat in my car at the skatepark. She had her feet on the dashboard. I found so much solace and clarity at the park, even if Sebastian wasn't there. Sebastian. I had to tell him. What would he do? How would he react? I couldn't tell him, not yet. He was about to start the tour in a week. I couldn't take away his dream just because mine was ending.

"You have to tell him," Bianca read my mind. "He has every right to know."

"I can't yet. Not when he's touring."

"Ari—"

"Sebastian has worked so hard to get here, I can't take it all away from him because I stupidly got pregnant."

Her eyes softened. "It's his baby too. You weren't the only one that was stupid that night."

I chuckled at her bluntness. "I just want to wait until he gets home."

There was a silence between us as we pondered about my situation. "What are you going to do?"

My mind unraveled itself thinking of all the limited options I had. "I don't know."

Bianca's foot anxiously tapped on the dashboard. "You don't have to keep it. You could...you know..."

The very thought of killing my baby made my blood run cold, I thought I was going to be nauseous again. "No way. I'm not getting an abortion."

"I'm just saying it's an option. It's your body, you don't have to continue the pregnancy."

I had nothing against abortion, but since confirming the pregnancy, something inside of me changed; it wasn't about me anymore. I felt...a connection to this unexpected life. The baby was a part of me and Sebastian. I hoped the baby would have his beautiful green eyes. What would they look like? I wanted to know.

"You would make an amazing mother," Bianca finally said.

I had my answer right there. I wanted to keep the baby. I always wanted kids but not this soon. It wasn't their fault they were conceived right before I went to college. Maybe I could still go to school, you can go to college anytime. My aunt Trista got her degree at 30 and loved her job in social work.

I could still dance after I had the baby, maybe I didn't even need school, just go to auditions. I didn't have to follow my parents' plan anymore. I was two months away from turning 18, if I could only hide the pregnancy until I moved out.

"We can't tell Mom or Dad. I can hide it until I move, I might actually start looking for an apartment up there now."

"How are you going to afford that? Do you know how expensive apartments in New York are? You don't even have a job."

She had a point. I never had a job before. Where could I work for two months and get enough money to support myself, the baby, and possibly college? Would my school still take me if I was pregnant? My decision just got a million times harder.

"I don't know what to do," hot frustrated tears poured down my cheeks. I think my hormones were finally kicking in high gear.

Bianca held me. "Right now, you need to think about you and your baby. College can wait. Dancing can wait. But you have nine months or so to figure this out."

I loved having a sister that was always right. This baby was going to have amazing aunties.

***

If I could hide my pregnancy until Sebastian came home, we could figure this out together. I knew no matter what, he would support me. Later that night, I was in my room playing Sinful Joy's songs from their demo. I hoped the baby liked it, hearing their daddy sing.

My heart swelled as I thought about Sebastian being a dad. He would love the baby so much, I bet the baby would prefer daddy over mommy.

Mommy. I was going to be a mommy. I whispered to my baby that everything would be okay. Shit, I had to puke again. Morning sickness was a terrible name, it lasted all day. My head in the toilet was becoming all too familiar. I doubt I was going to gain weight with the rate I was vomiting.

Knock on the door. "Ari?"

Mom. Crap. I quickly stood up, flushed the contents, and tried to act normal.

"Yeah?" I finally asked.

"Are you okay? You've been spending a lot of time in there."

She was suspicious.

"I think it was something I ate." What a bad lie.

She opened the door. She looked me over.

"Are you having a bad period? Maybe I should schedule an appointment."

The last thing I needed was to see a doctor when I was still hiding my unwanted pregnancy. They would know immediately what was wrong with me and then Mom would have to be sedated.

"I'm okay Mom, really."

Moms always know when we we're lying. I was never a good liar, I was amazed I was able to keep Sebastian a secret. She continued to take me in, trying to somehow see my ruse.

"Ari, are you pregnant?"

I froze. I couldn't answer. I couldn't think of another lie.

"Ariana," she repeated.

My tears answered for me.

"Jesus," she turned away. "No, no, no."

So much for being able to hide it. I wished for Sebastian.

**I'm pro choice and support what women choose to do with their bodies