brutus le cactus

ENG!! One shot. (angst)

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" -he asked me as I took the drag from my cigarette and exhaled it in the air. The wind took the smoke away and let it disappear in the thin air.

"Because it hurts." -I answered without even thinking about it, I felt stupid even having this talk with him, but I knew he did it because somehow he cared. He was silent for a moment, I just heard him sigh.

"Do you... like it?..." -he asked me again, I knew he wouldn't understand, he just couldn't, because he never did it.

"I don't like it... at least not in the way you could've thought I do." -I answered again, taking a long drag of my cigarette and dropping it to the ground so I can put it out with my shoe. I let a sigh of my own, not sure what to tell him, not sure if I should somehow reassure him, it hurt me. He just sighed again and looked at the autumn trees that were surrounding us. I opened my mouth to say something, but I choked on my own words, I didn't want to have this talk, I really didn't. I turned my head to look at him, the dim street lights falling on his face as he looked in the distance, lost in his thoughts.

"Listen.. I-..." he cut me off mid sentence.

"I know you don't want to talk about it, but we have to, Aster. I have to know that you'll be okay, that somehow you'll be able to hold on to see the better times that are ahead.". I freezed at his words and looked at the ground. Again, me looking like an idiot due to my own problems and issues. I got up from the bench and pressed a soft kiss against his forehead, then searched for his eyes and smiled.

"I'll be just fine, believe me..." Lies. Lies that I've told to everyone who just wanted to know that I'll be alright, that I can handle all that stuff going on at the moment. He gave me a soft smile and just whispered "Okay...". His voice was full of worry and I felt guilty about it, like always, feeling guilty when someone cares for me and worries about me. I looked at him as he got up from the bench and hugged me.

"See you tommorow, yeah?..." his words were soft, but they held some kind of... promise in them.

"Yeah, see you tommorow..." I replied and looked at his face.

"I love you, I'll text you once I'll wake up. Take care of yourself." he pressed a kiss to my head and walked away before I could even tell him that I love him too. I didn't stop him, I knew this was just too much for him for one evening. I started walking off by myself, thinking. When will I stop thinking? Will I ever be able to? No,  not if I'm alive. I felt too guilty for this, for letting someone worry and care about me. I'm not used to someone giving a fuck about me, I'm really not. I'm lost, I don't know how to reassure anyone, how to make someone happier, everytime I get attached I feel like I'm pulling this person down with me to drown in my sorrow. No, stop... Jesus, please, let me stop thinking, even for a second, please.

 I didn't even notice when I got home, so lost in thought, yet I still managed to think that there's something oddly beautiful about it. It is like that when you're feeling like this for such a long time. Pretty things like comfort, reassurance, good time are starting to seem... strange. They're starting to seem ugly. You find comfort in your own suffering, in the sorrow that pulls ou deeper down, but you can't resist it in anyway. Days, weeks, months, years are passing by, and you? You're still in the same state if you didn't catch this soon enough. So I spend my days, weeks, months and years in this odd thing that I named "comfort". I felt like everyone lied to me, "this is comfort, that is happiness", it makes me overstimulated, but you couldn't possibly understand it, could you? You can go on with your days without feeling useless, used, without feeling like you don't belong anywhere in this world except deep down underground. I'm almost jealous. Except I'm not, because I have my own little world that I find comfort in, even if it's ugly and it makes me hurt. I find it beautiful. And so like this.... another sleepless night.