Glory and Gore

Nineteenth Letter

hi i guess,

i still hate you. just not as much.

i just couldn't fathom the thought that someone would trick me into thinking my own father was alive and well, when he really wasn't.

i felt like you hated me so damn much that you felt the need to make me think things were all fine and dandy, and then rip my hope away as fast as a lion killing it's prey. i kept on thinking to myself: what on earth did i do to disappoint you so much? what did i do to deserve this? i thought i did something wrong.

but then i realized maybe i didn't do something wrong. maybe you were the one that did something wrong. you did. you broke and my beat up heart into a million pieces, and its not even my heart--its dad's. i thank daddy for doing this but why couldn't you just tell me? why? i understand why you wrote me letters (because its easier than talking) but i dont understand why you wrote them as daddy.

im still mad at you but not as much as before, i've realized that what you did was the best thing... for the both of us. you miss daddy, and so do i. and i don't even remember the guy. but i know he was a great man. i wish he was still with us today, i really do. we would all be so much happier. we wouldn't be filled with so much sorrow and regret.

yet even after all of these mishaps and anger, i forgive you. most people in this situation would be unapolagetic. but as you can tell, you birthed someone a bit different than the average person. even if you caused so much pain in me that it was like you pulled out a gun, shot me in the torso and had me watch my organs slip out from under my ribcage so they could say hello to my feet. i don't care about that anymore.

would it be okay if we continued to write letters back and forth as if i were talking to dad? it has helped me, and you. you are no longer stressed and i no longer hear you cry yourself to sleep every night. i no longer feel pain from inside me (despite my heart problems, ha).

i forgive you, i really do. i think we can work things out. we just need to communicate in real life and through these letters.

i love you mommy, and i don't want that to ever change.

so, what do you say. will you take me up on this offer? after all of this glory and gore, i would like that very much.

                                                                love always,

                                                                stewart