To Be Loved

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There's something about the way she is always mad. There is this constant frown on her face as if every breathing, the existing thing is pissing her off. I asked her brother, out of curiosity to confirm if it was her pregnancy that made her frown so much or if that's her inbuilt capacity to do so. And I was not surprised to find out that indeed Mahalakshmi was always like that. And to prove his words, he showed me a couple of pictures of their siblings' picture and in almost every picture, she had that constant scowl on her face. As if she is mentally punching the person who is clicking their picture.

But as Bhargav was saying, I remember nothing like that about her. Whenever I went to her home, when I was young of course I saw her playing with her dolls and laughing along with her mom as she did some silly stuff. I remember her running around the house when we were young wearing a smile on her lips, she used to have a monstrous laugh too, you know? The one that Chandramukhi does in that movie. I wonder what happened. I had to leave for my studies when we both were teens, she was not even into her teens properly when I left for my studies. Later on, I went to the Army and not going to lie, Mahalakshmi never used to strike my head. She was a next-door girl I used to crush on when I was a boy and then later I met Kushi. Kushi who made me forget any other thing exists in the world apart from her. I was head over heels, on cloud nine and whatever bullshit kids these days call the dopamine that hits you when you love. I was the happiest person. And even though the army was my life, Kushi made herself comfortable somewhere around there.

Now coming back to Mahalakshmi, she is being nice to me nowadays, not like 'Oh you are such a great person' or 'Oh! Thank you for existing, you help me a lot with a lot of stuff but in a 'hey asshole, your presence has become somewhat tolerable' nice. I have never met anyone like Mahalakshmi in my entire life. Had I not known better I would have thought she had multiple personality disorder because of the way she acts. But no. She does not. To the entire world, she is someone who fucked her life. But when I see her, all I see is a woman struggling to find herself a place in the middle of chaos.

You don't make mistakes knowing that they are mistakes, you do stuff and only after their impact on you, do you realise that they are mistakes. So no. When I see Mahalakshmi I don't think that she is someone who fucked her own life. I think she is someone who wanted to do some stuff so that she could be happy but then that stuff has made her life miserable.

Again mostly people blame the victim, if her ex had treated her right maybe people would have thought 'at least she chose a husband who loves her.' She did not think that he was a bad person when she left with him. She would not have left if she knew what kind of a person he was. She left because she trusted him. Right?

I looked at Mahalakshmi as she was laughing with my sister-in-law. Maybe this marriage would have worked if I still did not love Kushi. Or maybe this marriage would have worked if I met Mahalakshmi in a normal setting where she was not forced to marry me because no one else would marry someone with a child in her womb of another man.

But this marriage will work anyway. Maybe not in the way her parents wanted,
Or mine. But in a way where she can raise her baby and will be able to share it with me. In a way where she would feel safe around me not because I am her family or anything but because she believes in her heart that I can be the father that baby deserves. This marriage will have to work because I slowly started finding purpose. And that is existing in a way that would make Mahalakshmi feel at home. The world may call me selfish, but the only reason I choose to do this is because it gives me a purpose to live and to hold on to something. But at this point, all I care about is existing with a responsibility.