To Be Loved

Normal

I want to be alone on this day. But you don't always get what you want. I want to hide somewhere. The irony is that the man who is not afraid to enter a field filled with enemies is now the same man who wants to run away to a place where no one can find him.

I looked at Mahalakshmi as she sat right in front of me. After bursting out with the news of today, she seemed pretty lost in her head. I took a moment to appreciate her silence and how she was calm instead of giving me her sympathy. That made me feel better.

Losing Kushi is not something I want people to remind me of on every occasion. At least on the day she died, I want to mourn her. Mourn her for the life she lived, for the woman she was, and for the man I am because of her. Maybe I am an asshole stuck in the past, but lose someone to fate and you'll know how hard life can hit you.

The rest of the day was spent in solitude and silence, and maybe I wouldn't prefer it any other way.

I was on the terrace when I heard the sound of her anklets. They weren't loud, but soft. They didn't make a sound to be appreciated, but to be welcomed. I smiled, shaking my head. Now she's making me interpret her anklet sounds, too? Damn.

I sensed her creeping up to me, and then she came and stood next to me. I could sense that she was holding her breath.

She's nervous.

For what?

I don't know. I didn't dare ask her. Sometimes, it scares me how her thought process works. I'm scared to know what runs in that brain. And I'm scared to find out if I even occupy it once. Those thoughts? They're not mine. They're not the ones I appreciate either. Because I'm better like this. Mourning my lost life, lost body, and lost love. What can a man who has lost everything give to her? And that answer fills me with humiliation.

"Would you like to say something, or is silence fine for you?" she asked, breaking my chain of thoughts.

"Well, I thought you would like to ask some questions?" I said.

She gave me a look of loss and confusion.

"Are you under the impression that I came here because you're alone?" she asked.

I just nodded in affirmation.

She sighed.

"Would you feel bad if I told you that I came here because my mother is downstairs and I just needed an escape?"

I nodded my head negatively. So she's not here for me...

"You wouldn't mind, right?" she asked.

I again nodded negatively.

She gave me a sheepish smile.

"It's not like I don't care about you or your pain. But it's just that, I know if it hurts too much, you know how to manage yourself. If I feel like you can't, maybe I'll come check up on you."

To the world, that may have sounded insensitive, uncaring, even. But to me? To someone who was made to feel like I should be under supervision for every single emotion? That was all I needed. The confirmation that I am normal. And that I can take care of myself.