Deflowered

Chapter 13

Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water.

- Christopher Morley

There's an ever-present tremble to your lip when you're grieving. It's a constant potential triggered by the littlest of things like when I took a shower this morning and I imagined what my morning might be like and the pitying looks because I lost my husband. Just the thought of him brought me to my knees and my thoughts stumbled deeper to the pain of never having his children. Water and tears mixed, gathering like a river, a visible example of how dire my circumstances were. And then like a scraped knee or bumped head, the tears eventually stopped and I could function again. But that feeling remained buried under self-preservation and survival that even with a slight whisper of urging, it could erupt. I'd at least managed to get dressed today. Jeans. Keds. A white t-shirt. I felt guilty for being able to put them on like I was living a borrowed life. The tear that fell danced down the skin of my chest barely noticed. I didn't even have the energy to wipe them away. It did no good anyways.

"Morning." I heard Richard say behind me. I straightened; surprised it was him that brought my coffee. He'd avoided me as much as he could since I'd arrived at their home.

"Good Morning. Thank you so much." I told him as I reached for my mug. His eyes looked tired and weary. He sat in the chair next to mine watching the gardeners work around his property. They were so quick and precise yet lacking any real interest. There are flowers there, I wanted to tell them. Flowers that needed nurturing.

"How are you this morning?" He asked. I liked that he didn't look at me expecting a quick answer.

"I'm up." I replied. He shrugged and offered a nod of approval. His profile, the strong chin and tight expression reminded me of Mason. It always seemed like they held the world's problems and secrets all at once coiled tight within their restraint.

"Did Mason ever tell you I had an affair?" I coughed when I swallowed hot coffee too fast.

"Excuse me?"

"I had an affair years ago." He replied so honestly that I didn't know what to do with the information.

"But Elizabeth is..."

"She's beautiful, strong, and intelligent." He finished for me. "People rarely have affairs because their spouse is lacking." I couldn't tell if it was a premeditated insult but it stung nonetheless.

"I had this feeling that Elizabeth was disenchanted with me. We'd been married for so long and she knew every flaw. Some things I did would infuriate her so much that she wouldn't talk to me until the next day but every morning she'd kiss me and end her silent treatment. I kept thinking that won't last. There will come a day that it will never end. I met a young woman who liked the best version of me. Of course she never knew about my flaws. She'd never have the patience of my wife." Richard talked with detachment like it were someone else's life in some alternate universe that never affected him.

"It's why people don't leave their spouses usually. I remember coming home and finding Elizabeth at the sink doing dishes listening to a song that Mason used to sing as a child. He always got the words wrong. Instead of Ring of Fire, he would shout Rim of Wire" Richard laughed shaking his head with reverie. "I'd never have that with anyone else. I couldn't quote that with anyone but her. I'd never find someone that has learned my expressions better than I know them not with the amount of time we've been together. People underestimate the power of comfort and security."

I raised me knee and buried my face against it. He understood why I stayed with Adam. He knew I'd never leave and yet it was comforting to know that someone else had been there. It was comforting to know that there was logic behind my decision and not just emotion.