Deflowered

Chapter 11

I knew it was a dream just like I knew Adam lying across from me wasn't real. I didn't care. Here, he existed. Here, he felt real. He watched me study his face, my fingers dancing over every curve, his soft pout, and even his eyes. I cried. I had the vague awareness it was happening in reality also. He just lay there and allowed me my time to enjoy him but he was so lifeless so I imagined him smiling. And he did. That's just how dreams work.

"I miss you. Please stay." I whispered feeling the quiver of my lip as I did. He just smiled again.

"You have to wake up now."

"No I don't." I shook my head and moved myself closer trying so desperately to inhale his scent.

"Amelia."

"No."

"C'mon." He nudged and I broke at the approaching signs of reality nearing. With desperation, I clung to the fabric of sleep. It couldn't end yet. I woke struggling for air between sobs as the harsh lights of the hospital stung my eyes and I felt someone's arms curl around me.

"Shhhhh. I'm here." At the sound of Elizabeth's voice, I cried harder and clung to her shirt with a death grip. I felt the bed shift beneath her weight as she moved to settle beside me.

"I'm so sorry Amelia." The pain felt never-ending and so overwhelming like this black weight forming inside of me and growing until it felt heavy enough to make me nauseous. I wanted to dig my fingers into my skin and claw it out. I stumbled out of her arms frantically searching for something close to throw up in. I barely made it to the bathroom and not gracefully. My limbs felt heavy. The way my body moved, like my skin itself was a hanging weight, made my exhaustion worse. I slumped on the floor as Elizabeth handed me a cup of water.

"How did I get here?"

"You had a panic attack and passed out when the police arrived. They thought sedation was best."

I looked around and couldn't believe this was my life. It felt so unfamiliar that nothing registered as reality. And so the hours passed in the same way. My surroundings became a blur and all I could do was watch like a bystander in someone else's life. The past hours felt like a nightmare, one I never even believed could exist. It was so far outside of any scenario I could comprehend. It happened in movies and I generally avoided them hiding beneath my blanket during the gruesome scenes while Adam laughed.

Tears fell continuously no matter what I did. My body knew no matter how much I tried to deny it. Detectives came and asked questions I barely remember answering. I couldn't even remember what they looked like. We left the hospital and checked into a hotel where we waited for Adams parents. I ate when Elizabeth asked me to. Everything just seemed so generic and yet I studied everything almost obsessively. The headboard wore ten scratches scattered sporadically over it. I counted ten times sometimes by 2's and sometimes in what little Spanish I knew. It was oddly calming and even more numbing. It wasn't until after I had studied the phone and moved to the lamp that my distractions broke. I didn't want to be there anymore. I didn't want to be awake. The memories hit like a freight train surfacing like a one-too-many-times taped over vcr, broken and lapses in time. Badly edited, they rolled with the static that my mind created. Police officers came. I remembered their faces, solemn and hesitant approaching me with a caution one uses when dealing with a wild animal. I don't remember talking. I cried, I know, but at some point I shut myself down and thought of nothing. I endured time more than I lived it. I survived being awake mainly to go back to sleep.

"Adam, come look! It's amazing." He followed with a smile as I showed him the tree I found. We just bought our house and I wandered our back acreage exploring our land when I found it. The trunk was enormous, roots bulging from the ground with a height showing it's magnificent age. I ran my fingers down the bark amazed that this withstood so many years, so many lifetimes, and so many curious hands casually sweeping it's base.