Deflowered

Chapter 15

"... And here am I, budding

among the ruins

with only sorrow to bite on,

as if weeping were a seed and I

the earth's only furrow."

–Pablo Neruda, "Lightless Suburb"

My excitement didn't last long. It came in short bursts, usually in the morning when I had just woken up before I reached over and felt cold empty space. I'd get a short spurt of energy after coffee and I forced myself to take advantage of it, actually do something besides sit around Kate's enormous condo I was obviously given a great deal on.

"You guys look so young." Kate commented looking at our wedding picture. She couldn't hide the disbelief in her tone or expression.

"We were young." I replied with resignation. Adam and I had heard it our entire marriage, from his parents, from our friends mostly his college ones, and from strangers who caught sight of our wedding rings. Adam used to joke that one day we'd be hoping to hear it from people. I smiled as I remembered him in his truck, sleeves rolled and his sunglasses that were missing a nosepiece.

"You probably think we were crazy." I added.

"No. I don't think that at all. Not after what I know of you two. Sam and I loved each other at that age. I probably would've married him if he had asked. Thank God he didn't." Kate looked truly horrified at the idea as she put a hand to her chest.

"Really?"

"We've not ever discussed it but yeah I think so. We've been on and off since high school. We were at the same boarding school. Governors Academy. Our fathers are alumni. I lost my virginity to him. Mason has probably never told a woman he's loved her. Sam on the other hand told girls all the time he loved them. Told so many women so many times that it lost its power quite early on. He never once said it to me the many dances we attended together, the times we've hooked up and the rare periods where we tried to be a couple. I think I'm actually scared shitless to hear it from his mouth."

"He hasn't told you yet?"

"No but I think I prefer it that way. When I found out I was pregnant, he went MIA for two weeks. Probably flew to Monaco and slept with Instagram models on a yacht."

"He wouldn't?" I died a little inside hearing it, my own possessiveness of Adam making it too hurtful.

"No, he wouldn't. He ran back to his family I'm sure. He always does in a crisis and they usually step in." I remembered the time when I had lunch at Elizabeth's when Sam was there, the way they were both shocked to be home.

"Only this time, I come home from work and he has cleaned my condo." She glances around with a smile on her face. "He tells me he has moved my things into his place and he shows me these drawings he did of our new home. He went to school for architecture which you would never know because he hasn't taken it seriously."

I know I have tears in my eyes because I can feel them falling to my hands. Kate tried and failed to keep hers in.

"He says he's looked at my Pinterest account and he has drawn a home for us that he thinks I'll like. And it's just beautiful with all these small details I would think no man could notice. We had very good farewell sex on the floor over there."