Redemption - Fourth Wing

34. "So am I not your lover?"

Chex's Pov
All throughout the flight back, I kept glancing at Aifos, whose body was caught between tiredness and tension. Their mind was closed off, and I only wanted to slip within it and brush off the bitter resignation of before.
When we dropped them off at the outpost, their fingers patted us tiredly, and their eyes were low.
-Are they alright?- I asked Ronny as we were seeking out our lunch, -I don't want them to relapse.-
-Neither do I. But their fingers didn't twitch, so it must've been simple tiredness.- He hesitated slightly, then lowered his voice, -The fear of losing half of one's soul takes a toll on everyone.-
My wing touched his with a feathered touch.
A glittering lake caught my attention, and I went down to skim its frozen waters; my reflection stared back at me, with its golden scales and black legs, and I remembered that I finally knew who I was.
-I am an Irid Swordtail,- I said, -That's my name.-
Then I spotted a fish skittering away, and I scooped it up with a claw and tossed it in my mouth. It was terribly cold, and I shivered in annoyance. In the meantime Ronny was chasing out a flock of sheep, and I quickly joined him.
We were eating under the lowering sun, when I turned to Ronny, -Do you know your Name?-
-I do.-
-Do you like it?-
Ronny lifted his head up, and let out an odd sound, something between a chuff and a sigh, -None actually likes their Name of Names.-
-I do.-
-"Irid Swordtail" isn't by far your whole Name.-
I frowned, -It's the Navarrian version of it.-
-There is no such thing. Everything in this world has a Name of Names: it's your being, your truth, your divinity. It shows you who you are at your core. It's the reason for which it can only be found in the Ancient Language. Even magic itself has it.-
-Really?-
-Yes.-
-So... Only you know yours?-
He tightened his shoulders, and I immediately tried to scramble for an apology, but he started speaking slowly, -No. Most of the time, we decide who's worthy enough to know it, but it's a very delicate matter. When one knows someone's Name of Names, they can control the other. Utterly. They can chain up the other's whole being, and there's no way to escape such a prison apart from death, because in that case every command is to be followed, and one must not, can not, go astray.-
I waited for a couple of leaves to fall in front of our claws, before carefully venturing, -That's what... Happened to you, right? With Galbatorix, I mean.-
-Yes.-
-I'm sorry.-
-It happened a long time ago.-
The curtness of his voice told me that it was best to let this topic drop for now.
A couple of days passed by, in which Aifos stepped on the mat and bested even the major in sparring. I knew that the other Riders would start acting differently around my mate, now. But I felt a whisp of worry from their bond instead, -The dark wielders are as quick as Elves.-
-With you by your side, and Xaden and Violet, we will win this war,- I said back.
Then, my eyes caught a glimmer of blue, and I swivelled my head. Sgaeyl dipped down, and when she flew high up again a goat was between her foreclaws.
The sun glinted off the deep blue of her scales, and caught in the sharp points of her Daggertail.
I tried to reach out to her, but she didn't acknowledge me.
-Sgaeyl's here,- I whispered, and Aifos immediately said back, -So is Garrick.-
-She keeps ignoring me.-
Aifos' song gently caressed my mind, -She's worried. Xaden's meant to fight beyond the wards, where Navarrian magic is wilder. The possibility of him losing control has grown terribly.-
I sighed and tightened my wings, -But you will keep an eye on him, won't you?-
-Of course, darling; so will Garrick. But it's a temporary solution, and thus is unstable. We all know that.-
-Why did he turn?-
Heartbeats passed, and I flexed my claws, and perhaps Aifos had just jerked their fingers, too.
-For love, I think,- was Aifos' careful answer, -Or perhaps for his own life. I don't know. It may be both.-
-But why? He isn't just a lover. He's a Rider!-
-So am I not your lover?-
I fell quiet, taken aback by both the suddenness of the question and the softness of Aifos' voice.
-Following your train of thoughts, someone can either be a lover or a Rider. Or at least, be true only to their lover or their dragon. As if being a lover can't coexist with being also a Rider.-
-Well, it can't!-
-Why not?-
For some reason, I couldn't find an answer, so Aifos asked me with their low, soothing voice I'd come to adore, -If you were to describe me, would you call me a lover or a Rider?-
The wind rustled between the leaves, and the lake rippled softly. I could catch the gold of my scales gleaming off its blue.
Aifos was my mate, half of my soul. I'd tasted their body, and wanted to commit to memory every curve and dip, every whimper and shiver; wanted to give them pleasure and find mine hidden in the lines of their body. I wanted to kiss them and nuzzle them and mark them mine.
And yet, they'd been a Shur'tugal long before our paths converged, and had already been carried high up in the sky. Power already thrummed in their veins, and their tongue already knew how to curl around magic.
But they were my body, and my wings; and yet they were Ronny's, too. Had been so for years.
I remembered that I'd first met them from Ronny's back, Heill held high up; Ronny had just wrenched a wyvern's jaw off my throat, and saved my life.
-I am both,- whispered Aifos, -And yet I am one and the same. I am a lover because I am a Shur'tugal, and I am a Shur'tugal because I am a lover. So is everyone else. Our dragons are our first love. We become Riders and lovers because of them, and Xaden has turned because of it.-
Birds chirped, an Orange dragon flapped overhead.
-I am alive because of you,- they said, a bit trembling.
I ducked my head and let out a shaky breath.
-My love...-
Aifos went on, -Xaden channeled because he was alive because of Violet and Sgaeyl; Violet and Sgaeyl are alive because Xaden channeled. That's why, I think, he turned for love.-
-But... But Sgaeyl's angry. She's silent. She... she blames everyone, and herself. I think.-
-Perhaps you should convince her otherwise.-
-I don't think she'll be willing to listen to me.-
-One never knows.-
I saw Chradr flying overhead, then I got up to hunt.
A riot of wyvern happened to be seen two days later, and Aifos quickly armoured us up, their own steel gleaming around the snow and against their dark skin. They strapped themselves up on my back, then I flung ourselves off the ground. The sky was filled by dragons, and instinctively I flew closer to Sgaeyl, her mind closed off as always. Chradr took up her left.
We went past the wards, and clashed against grey scales. I breathed out fire, and Aifos swung their sword above their head while Ronny took hold of a wyvern's neck with his foreclaws and twisted it broken.
-Behind us!- cried out Aifos and I immediately whirled around, but shadows yanked the wyvern away from us. So I closed my wing and rolled right and Aifos picked out an enemy, and they called up to them their power, -Togira Skulblaka vandr-fodhr und kveykva!-
(Cripple the dragon ill-marked with lightning.)
A bluish strike zapped down, and rushed towards the wyvern; I sharply veered away, and we followed the fall of the grey corpse.
Satisfaction bloomed in Aifos' mind, to which I answered with a proud surprise: they could wield lightning, too!
Ronny slammed himself against another, and tore its neck with a bite so brutal it wrenched off the head from the body.
An Orange Clubtail flew on my left, chased down by a wyvern who was breathing fire at her, and a Red Swordtail pivoted down to be of help.
I pumped my wings and spotted Chradr surrounded by three wyverns at once, so I reached out to Ronny and sped up towards the Brown Scorpiontail. I attacked from behind and dug my claws in its shoulders and my Swordtail in its hindquarters. It screeched and tried twisting around, but Aifos broke its wings with a spell and I allowed gravity to be its death. Ronny rolled under the second one and ripped its scales through the whole length of its belly. When he came back up, the lower half of his foreclaws had turned from steely silver to black blood.
Much to my dismay, a wyvern as big as him pivoted down and tried sinking its fangs in his neck, but his large spikes dug in its maw and with a rough "Heill, ganga fram!" the blade cut its left eye. It wailed, and I tried knocking it out from its blinded side. Ronny roared and shrugged it off him, then twisted around and snapped at its jaw. He tore it apart, and blood sprayed. I bit down at the start of its neck, its most delicate spot, even though I wasn't by far big enough to either break it or cut its head off.
But the weight of two dragons started dragging it downwards, and its wingbeats struggled at holding it up. Ronny slashed at its throat, and I doubled the strength of my jaw, until Aifos sucked the remaining of its energy and stored it in one of the two empty gems of the belt. It suddenly grew limp and we left it be.
A flash of navy blue blurred the periphery of my sight, and Aifos said to follow Sgaeyl, -We're going to hunt down the venins. They're hiding within the village.-
I flanked my wings and fell into a steep dive, Chradr by my side. Ronny stayed in the sky, diverting the focus of a wyvern from us to himself.
But I hesitated when we flew past the burned roofs of the small village, -I don't want you to unseat!-
-And yet I must. Xaden is going, and his control past the wards is thinner.-
-That's exactly my point!-
-Let them, Chex,- interjected Ronny, -They know how to handle themselves.-
-Fine, but don't you dare die!- and I flew low and positioned my foreleg so that it became some sort of ramp. Aifos tugged off the bindings, raised up and slid from my shoulder to my claw. Then wrapped their arm around my wrist, couched down, waited for the right moment and jumped. I twisted my head around in order to watch them expelling momentum with a burst of run, and Garrick soon enough joined them.
As much as I was annoyed at losing sight of them again, I let loose a roar and went back in the battle. Ronny's shadow fell on me, and Chradr pivoted down and to the left.
Of Sgaeyl, no trace.
-Head in the battle!- Ronny ordered me, and I did my best to focus on the enemies around me.
The battle wore on, and I caught a glimpse of navy blue, and I saw a Green dragon falling, and my armour grew bloodied, and my shoulders started burning from fatigue, and Ronny started flying above me more often than he'd ever done in the previous battles.
Then, fear rattled our bond, and I felt Aifos' mind rushing, surging, its song thickening into a drumbeat. My wings faltered, and a wyvern slammed into me.
A dragon bellowed.
Sgaeyl.
I roared and slashed my claws in the enemy's back, and my armour protected me from its teeth. Ronny flung it away, then cried out and dove down. I was behind him, -Aifos!-
The side of their bond was taut with effort, and Ronny grasped my mind with his and tugged it outside of its borders.
Nature exploded around me, and I would've drowned in it hadn't I been steered by Ronny to the clear path towards our bonded. He pushed my mind forward, and I could feel Xaden's power uncontrolled, frozen in the act of channeling and expanding and sucking life away.
Garrick was caught in a spar against a dark wielder, and Aifos was trying to contain the wasteland Xaden was creating. Their muscles were tight, and their heartbeat was erratic.
Ronny slammed both of our minds against Aifos', thus supporting them, and at the same time around the whole square the Riders were standing.
Slowly we managed to push back Xaden's power, and when it got back within his mind Aifos crumbled on their knees, and Garrick managed to slam the enemy against the wall with a sudden rush of wind and to bury to the hilt his alloy dagger in the dark wielder's heart.
Xaden blinked, then lost balance, and Garrick had to use his hidden second signet so that he could catch him.
When my mind retreated within its natural borders, I gasped for air and I realised that Ronny was holding me upright, his bloodied talon pressed against my chest.
Sgaeyl roared out so loudly my teeth rattled, and out of instinct I recoiled.
Chradr was the first to reach the Riders, and soon enough we were behind him. Sgaeyl smashed a building, and Ronny's muscles worked at tearing apart a roof large enough he could stretch out a claw and bring Aifos up. He withdrew the claw, then took off and flung Aifos up in the sky, much to my dismay. Then he dipped down slightly and caught them on the saddle already imbued in the armour.
-Don't you dare do that again!- I snarled at both of them.
-I hate when he does that too,- Aifos grumbled as they strapped themselves in. Ronny growled, low in his throat, and twisted his head snake-like to properly glare at our bonded.
When Sgaeyl was high up in the sky, Chradr swooped down to his Rider, then immediately started chasing down my guardian, who was flying away from the battle, and for a moment I wished to go with her.
-Go,- was Aifos' answer, -She almost lost her Rider. She needs you.-
-I don't want to leave you!-
-They will stay with me,- said Ronny, -Do what they say.-
Uncertainty tugged at my heart, and instinctively my eyes snatched on my guardian's withdrawing frame. She'd been the one taking Andarna and I in, she'd been the one scooping me up when I was a hatchling and was unsteady on my wings.
I glanced at Ronny, who nodded at me and banked right, Aifos holding up a flaming Heill.
Just like at Resson.
I remembered the way Sgaeyl's wing had gently brushed mine during that battle, and I set my teeth and made a decision.
Sgaeyl was flying fast and hard, so I had to push past the burning of my body to keep track of her; only when we got back within the wards her speed slackened a bit. She dove down to the outpost, and I circled around it; but she was back up in the sky when Xaden's feet touched the courtyard.
Chradr mimicked her, but broke off and went to the other side of the sky. I flanked down and swiftly followed Sgaeyl to the heart of the forest, where she voiced her anger with a deep scream and flames blazed from her mouth. Trees caught fire, and I could feel the rush of heat on my belly when I sharply veered around.
-Sgaeyl?-
She roared again, and again a torrent of fire streaked the sky. Thick smoke billowed from the burning forest.
-Sgaeyl, let me in, please.-
She swished her daggered tail and cried out again. My wings faltered, and I relented my chase.
I wasn't Tairn; Sgaeyl and I weren't bonded, and it was known that an adult dragon should be carving out a path on their own. They should be taking off to the sky and leaving behind those with whom they'd spent their hatchlings days so that they could fly to adulthood.
But the thought of leaving behind those who'd showed me the way to the sky weighed heavily on my heart, and Sgaeyl's cries were piercing it one by one.
It was clear, in the tension of her neck, in the jerky movements of her tail, that she was in pain, and had recoiled from the whole world.
I remembered Aifos' relapse, and how they'd drawn back that whole night of a couple of months ago; I remembered the tales of Ronny's anger back in Vaeta, and of a younger Aifos climbing on the mountain and spending a whole night of winter in front of the mouth of the cave Ronny had been suffering in.
Once again, I reached out to Sgaeyl and pushed against her walls, -Sgaeyl? It's me, Chex. I only want to talk to you. Please let me talk to you.- Despite her silence, I went on pressing, -You don't deserve to suffer alone. I... I Ieft my mate behind to fight on their own because you don't deserve to suffer alone. None does. Please, Sgaeyl, let me in.-
Her shields wavered, but didn't lower. I scrunched my eyes, and remembered the gentleness with which Aifos' song would sometime brush my thoughts.
I did my best to mimic their softness, and my voice was shaky, -Please, mom.-
Her walls quivered again, and Sgaeyl stopped in her tracks so suddenly she almost whiplashed. Then, slowly, carefully, her shields went down, and a hurricane of pain and anger and self-blame and fear rushed towards me, and it was so sudden and overwhelming my wings lost a beat.
-You wanted to know,- she said, with such a dimmed voice my heart ached, -So now you have to live with it.-
I made sure to keep my voice soothing, -Why have you been keeping all of this to yourself? We would've been there for you. Tairn and Andarna and I.-
She shook her head, and waited for a couple of heartbeats before answering, -You wouldn't understand. I already know what Tairn would say on this matter. That I should know better. That I should abandon my fleeting illusions and snap the bond. If you want to say that, do the favour of restraining yourself.-
-Tairn doesn't understand shit,- I snapped, my click of teeth clear above the sizzling of the flames of the burning trees, -Violet hasn't turned. He isn't in the same situation as you.-
-You're young, and good-hearted.-
-And so what? We don't get to abandon our Riders because they made a mistake. We aren't worthy of such a bond if we do so. So I mean it when I say that Tairn shouldn't be so opinionated and... And such an old hag.-
In all of that tumbling of pained emotions, amusement flashed in her mind, -He's been flying for a century. He knows the ways of the world. I am younger than him by fifty years.-
I narrowed my eyes and steeled my voice, -The Sgaeyl I know wouldn't let anyone order her around. Not even her mate. And I'm pretty sure that Tairn fell for this fire in you, for your fierceness in both war and love. He is the one knowing better than to tell you to let your Rider rot alone.-
-He lost control. I almost lost him, again. I don't know for how longer we can keep this up. You may be right about my character, but I'm not foolish enough to persuade myself that eventually he won't turn. He is going to turn. It's just a matter of time.-
-We will find a cure, Sgaeyl.- I raised my chin, -We will. Any promises made in the Ancient Language are to be written in destiny. So trust me when I say that we will save your Rider.-
-Your faith in Lightning Wielder is as astounding as it's naive.-
-I have faith in my mate.-
-I respect their strength and acknowledge it, but today they struggled, too. A day will come when they won't be enough. When I won't be enough. And perhaps when not even the love he nurtures for Lightning Wielder will be enough.-
-You can't give up on him, Sgaeyl. You will stay by him.-
-It's already too late.-
-No, it's not. Ronny told me that we are dragons, and that we shape the world. We will shape Xaden's path, too.-
Sgaeyl raised her head, and for the first time after the Battle of Basgiath she finally met my eyes.