The Boy In Red~#wattys2015~

"He would've wanted all the attention to boost his ego."

 Somebody's strong arms shake me awake. I pry my eyes open and see that it's Sam. 

"It's time." Is all he says and helps me out of bed.

I walk to the cupboard and pull out a black skin tight dress. Today is the day of Jake's funeral. I grab my small black clutch and leave the room with Sam. We proceed to walk to the church. When we enter we walk over to Jake's parents.

"Oh, Jen you look beautiful." Jake's mum gushes and pulls me close. "You know Jake really loved you, he couldn't stop talking about you." She gives me a sad smile and before I can answer, excuses herself to go talk to the organisers. 

"Hey, baby are you okay?" Sam asks me enveloping me in a hug. I take his hand and lead him outside.

I face him and say, "No, well I don't know if I'm okay but everybody keeps telling me how much he loved me. It ... I can't listen to them because I know he didn't, he cheated on me, he decided to ruin what we had. We were better off being friends and I think he knew that. He might have loved me as a friend, yes, but not as anything more." I explain and worry that I sound stupid so I look up at Sam to see him smiling, whilst a tear rolls down his cheek. 

"Honestly, you're more emotional about his death than I am." I say to Sam who lightly chuckles. 

"Jen, I know you don't want to hear this, but he did love you." Sam reaches into his trouser pocket and   pulls out a small black box. "Jake wanted you to have this, he was going to give it to you for your birthday."

I take the plush box and open it. Inside I find a small silver locket in the shape of a heart. The words 'My heart stopped beating because I wasn't with you' are engraved on one side of the locket. I lift the locket out of the box and see the dates of when me and Jake knew each other also engraved into the locket on the other side. I fumble with the clasp but finally manage to open it. My eyes fill with tears at the pictures that are inside. Not just any pictures, pictures of me and Jake when we were 10, when we met each other. I've tried so hard not to cry, to stay strong but this has tipped me over the edge. I let the tears go and Sam knowingly pulls me into his strong arms and kisses my head.

"You don't always have to stay so strong. It's okay to not be okay." He whispers into my ear.

When the waterfall stops flowing from my eyes, I hand the locket to Sam and he clasps it around my neck. My eyes fill with tears as I read the engraved words again but I can't let the tears fall again. The service is about to begin. 

We take our seats, at the front near Jake's casket but I can't bring myself to look at his stiff body. 

Half an hour later, the priest says,"And now, time for a few words from Jake's friend." I stand and walk over to the podium. I specifically asked to be called his friend, because I'm nothing more, nothing less. I was nothing more, nothing less. 

I clear my throat and begin reading my speech, "Jake was a great person." I look down at the speech but curl it up into a ball and decide to speak truthfully. "He was funny, nice, a jerk at first impression but under all the jerk was a good person. " I say quoting Sam, which earns a chuckle from the crowd. I focus on Sam and for the rest of the speech, I rest my gaze on him because he gives me the strength I need to do this. "Most of you may think that Jake wouldn't have wanted everyone to mourn him but those of us who really knew him, know that he would've wanted all the attention to boost his ego. But Jake was like that, he needed attention. He had that affect on people, he made you want to give him attention. It's like he ran on attention and everything he did was for attention. That's who he was but at those moments he was the best. The moments when you gave him attention, when he soaked it up and let himself go because he knew you were focused on him. The moments when he was truly himself." The audience laughs in all the right places and their reactions are perfect, when I conclude my speech they clap and cheer, as if a boost of energy was given to them all. 

"And that's the effect you have on people." The priest says after my speech, clearly noticing everybody's new found energy. 

The crowd chuckles again as the priest continues. 

~~~~~

Five speeches later, we are stood outside, waiting for the burial of Jake Fields to begin. 

Me and Sam are stood near the front, along with Jake's family and closest friends. The white marble casket is slowly lowered and I look down at my feet. I can't look at this, I can't watch Jake going 6 feet under. I can't walk on this ground, knowing he is beneath it. 

Once the casket is lowered, someone hands me a shovel and leads me and Sam to a pile of dirt. I go first, picking the dirt up with the shovel and tipping it onto the casket, a single crystal tear rolling down my cheek. 

For the rest of the service, I stay in Sam's arms, looking either at him or the ground.

~~~~~

I climb the silver stairs once more, not wanting to make eye contact I hand my ticket to the air steward and rest my gaze on their name tag. Xavier. I look up and sure enough it's the same person. The same person who showed me to my seat when I came to visit Jake, the same person who helped me onto the plane, which little did I know, would lead me to my doom. 

I walk to my seat, Sam and my mum following suit.I sit by the window and Sam sits next to me, whilst my mum sits a row behind us. Maybe to give me and Sam space or maybe because she needed the space.

Sam interlocks our fingers and rubs his thumb over my knuckles as I look out of the window at the specks of light in the night sky which make me think of Jake. Subconsciously, I reach for the locket, and my fingers trace the heart shape.