THAT GIRL | MIKHAIAH

CHAPTER 27

Maraiah's POV

Meeting Mikha was like an answered prayer. I never knew I'd find someone like her in this life. I've always been a homebody who loves to travel. Who likes to try different things, who is spontaneous, selective and values real connection. Sometimes, I feel like I'm invisible to many, seen by some. Minsan, 'yong mga salita ko jumbled up, and I stutter when I couldn't get my thoughts altogether. I have a low self-esteem and I always doubt my decisions, that people often say I'm indecisive. I tend to get so insecure sa mga taong kayang pangatawanan at kunin ang gusto nila. I wish I can be like them. I realized, as much as I claim to love myself, kulang pala ang pagpapahalaga ko sa sarili ko. Lagi kong iniisip na huwag na lang, baka 'di ko kaya, baka mas may deserving pa diyan kesa sa'kin. God knows how many opportunities I missed because I lack of confidence. I want to feel valued, that I make sense, that my thoughts matter, that I'm not that hard to understand, and that I have a place in this world that solely belongs to me. Lahat ng 'yan, natagpuan ko kay Mikha. Pinaramdam niya sa'kin na mahalaga ako. She's like everybody's dream girl. Someone you really want but can't have. And I feel like I had her. I feel like she shared a part of her to me. Throughout our moments together, it felt like she allowed me to catch a glimpse of her mystery. She was holding back, I could feel it. So, was I. I wanted more, I wanted to know everything about her. I had the chance but I did nothing but run, watch that chance slips through my fingertips until I no longer could grasp it.

I have lost Mikha in so many ways. I lost her when she said 'hello' and I was too shy to utter a 'hi'. I lost her when I ignored her messages, when I wanted to speak to her the most. I lost her she said it was okay to cling to her when we were riding a bike but I loosen up my grip instead. I lost her when I declined her offer to give me a ride one time thinking I was only wasting her time. I lost her when I distance myself when all she was doing was to keep us close. I lost her when I thought she hasn't over her past when she made it very clear to me that she had. I lost her when she lent me her jersey during the final event, but I turned it down again, afraid of what people will say. I lost her when I failed to tell her how much I appreciate her efforts to come to my place just to give me the presents she prepared. I lost her when I kissed her but stormed out like a child who couldn't stand for the aftermath of her decision.

I lost her. It's my fault.

All I wanted was to take our time. To be gentle towards her. I know her experience. How she was terribly mistreated. But I ended up hurting her. Wala pala akong pinagkaiba sa mga nanakit sa kaniya. Lagi kong inuuna ang nararamdaman ko. Iniisip na baka hindi niya ako gusto, but there were so many signs. Signs I refused to see trying to protect my heart. Naging madaya ako.

I left without saying goodbye. I left with an image of breaking her heart. I left without fixing what I broke. I left because I was eaten by guilt and doubts. I left when I know I shouldn't.

Now, I feel empty. Full of remorse.

It's been almost a year since I started a new life here in Singapore. I've been in so many places, but this, by far, is the closest I feel to home.

I missed my family and my girls so much. Inaayos ko ang sarili ko dito. I went to church and kept myself busy. May mga araw na hindi ko na gaanong naiisip si Mikha, pero hindi ko maikakaila na gusto ko siyang makita. But I don't have the guts to face her yet. Ayoko ring makagulo sa buhay niya, lalo na ngayon, in a few months, she'll graduate, and I know the struggle. I don't want to add to her burden. This isn't the right time, and I still have a lot to work onto myself — to become better. I found a guy friend recently, he's cool and well mannered. We vibe so smoothly. His name's Fons. He's gay though — he came out to his parents but it didn't go well, so, just like me, fate drags him here to find himself — our purpose for what its worth.