July 15, 2015
1:47PM
Am I scared? Yes, of course. Definitely.
I'm terrified.
It's more than enough that every waking moment, every single day of my life, I live with a constant fear that something terrible will happen and something important to me will be taken away. It's bad enough that I can hardly walk through a street without gazing over my shoulder every five minutes, in fear of being followed. It is difficult enough that the mere act of speaking my opinions jolts my nerves and shakes me to the point of almost fainting.
I am living with social anxiety. And it isn't easy to go to this massive school, carry this huge weight on my shoulders along with the responsibilities paired with doing the things I love.
I can't. This battle I'm fighting cannot be won with a few encouraging words or a night's worth of listening to calming music. I can't win this alone with only hands pushing against my back. I need someone to lead me. I need help. But I don't exactly know what kind of help I need. All I know is that I don't think normal. I know for a fact that healthy people don't get mental breakdowns, don't cry over small matters, and don't find it so dauntingly difficult to speak up. I know I don't have the best mental health. I'm scarred. I'm bruised. My sanity is fighting for its survival and I don't know how long it's going to last this time.
I just want to know what's wrong with me. I want to have some sort of stand, a reason as to why I'm so socially disabled. I'm tired of explaining myself to people, using the words 'shy' and 'introvert' to wipe away my shame, to drape a blanket over my flaws.
It's not a decent excuse anymore, at least, not for me.
YOU ARE READING
bad journal
NouvellesI am terribly sorry to disappoint you but this isn't a story. This isn't fiction. None of this is made up. This is reality coming from an imaginative mind. This is my life.. in all it's flaws and imperfections, and tears and smiles and the rest of a...
