bad journal

It Doesn't Matter As Long As I Don't Jump Off A Cliff

bad journal #13

It Doesn't Matter As Long As I Don't Jump Off A Cliff

I couldn't sleep last night.

Oh, wow. Really?

Yeah. I haven't slept for two nights now. It's getting worse--

That's wicked. How are you even walking?

I-I don't know. I don't even know--

Have you studied yet? The exams are coming up. You wouldn't want to get a bad grade, now do ya?

Well, I've been feeling pretty bad. It would be nice if you hear me--

Do you think you could do me a favor? It's not too big. Please?

Uhh, yeah sure, I guess I could.

Yay. Thanks. You're an awesome friend. I love ya. See ya later.

-

Can you please listen to me this time?

What? Shoot.

I think I need help. I've been having really bad thoughts and--

Really? So have I!

Well, they're getting pretty serious. I.. I d-don't think I--

Don't think about it too much. It's all in your head, you'll see. You'll get over it soon. There's nothing in your life that you really have to be worried about anyway, right? So it's cool. You don't need to be depressed.

Oh. Okay.

-

Hey.

Uhh, can you hear me?

I'm right here.

Really, I am.

I don't want to be a bother. You know I'm not like that.

But I really need help.

I don't want to feel this way.

Hey, are you still there?

Anyway, I know it doesn't look like it.

But I've been having a really hard time lately.

It's like there's nothing I can do.

And there is no hope for me.

I feel like I'm so worthless.

So. Worthless.

And I need your help. I need a friend.

Please don't shrug me off. Please, please don't.

I'm.. I'm trying to be honest here. Because it's really hard but--

Oh I'm sorry, did you say something?

What?

Were you talking to me?

Uhh.. Yeah, I was. Did you not hear?

No. Why? What were you saying?

Nothing. Nevermind.

Well, alright. I'm gonna go now. See ya later, okay?

Right.

Kay. Bye.

I want to die.

----

#13 has never really been my lucky number.

Anyway, this is for anyone who has ever felt unheard, misunderstood, taken for granted, treated like crap, downgraded, underestimated, IGNORED.

Believe me, when I say I know how you feel, I K N O W HOW YOU FEEL. I know how much it sucks. It's a terrible, terrible feeling to be regarded as someone who doesn't really matter. Someone who matters sometimes - only when something dramatic happens - but is mostly never given a second glance.

If you relate to that, just know that I would never ever take you for granted. Sometimes, I even care for others too much that people sort of establish that it isn't necessary to care for me. Nevertheless, that doesn't affect how much I genuinely care for people close to me.

Anybody at all who needs someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to talk to me. I may not be able to stop the tears but I will cry with you :)

Please pardon how odd this author's note has been. Er, I apologize, I guess.

(If you don't quite understand the way this entry has been written, the italicized words are in a different point of view.)

Little bit of trivia: I wrote this at 1 am in the morning when I was feeling like utter crap. So this is probably really crappy. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing. And I thought it wasn't good enough. I planned on deleting this but I thought it would be a waste. So I posted it anyway. Hah.

Love and awkwardness,
--the author