GABRIELLE
MY BODY started to tremble as I stared at the building in front of me. The familiar blue hues that covered the City Jail had faded throughout the years, but the perfectly manicured garden offset the neglected building. My eyes zeroed in on the threshold of the building, having a qualm to get in.
I zoned out the noises behind me. The giggles from the children playing at the Vigan's Plaza Lagoon registered like silenced crickets' noise at night. I could even hear a static line dancing through my senses.
Sigurado ba ako na dadalawin ko siya? It had been a long time since the last time I saw her. Lola said she had been longing to see me. I wanted to see her; I wanted to hug her. But how? How could I do those things when all I thought about when I was looking at her was the sin I committed years ago? She shouldn't be there. She should be free.
If it wasn't because of me.
I breathed with a lungful of air as I tightly closed my eyes. Tears started to burn at the side of my eyes, and my knees began to wobble.
No . . .
I couldn't do it.
Instead of moving forward, I backpedaled, tears started to stream down my cheeks as I slowly shook my head. My stomach had been filled with guilt and anger. Tumalikod ako at nagmadaling maglakad palayo. Hindi ko talaga kaya. Hindi ko siya kayang makita. Hindi ko pa siya kayang makausap ulit.
Sumakay ako sa tricycle at sinabi ang gustong destinasyon. My body was trembling and my mind was engulfed with nothing but confusing thoughts. No matter how much I wanted to see her, the clutch of the guilt had been stronger than any other emotions lodging in my chest.
Habang nasa biyahe, hindi makalma ang kabog ng dibdib ko. Gusto kong simigaw at gusto kong magwala, ngunit hindi p'wede. I learned to box my emotions and school my expression into something neutral— especially when it came to her. She had always been my weakness, my breaking point, and the person who could crack the mask I put on my face.
It was exactly 5 PM when I reached the Sta. Catalina beach. As usual, maraming tao rito dahil sa mga kainan malapit sa dagat. I saw some familiar faces going to the S-yard, a two-story food court. I remembered that Zera and I went to eat at that food court one time.
Hindi ko namamalayan ang tipid na ngiti na dumapo sa aking bibig. Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin alam kung totoo ba ang pakay ni Zera sa 'kin o pinaglalaruan niya lang ako. I couldn't tell. I had so many insecurities, I envied so many people, and I had so much trouble in my past. I was everything but likable. Kung totoo man na gusto ako ni Zera, hindi ko alam kung ano ang nakita niya sa 'kin.
Naglakad lang ako nang diretso sa parte na walang masyadong tao. Noon kasi, noong wala pang kainan dito, may mga iilang sand dunes dito. Whenever I was stressed and devastated, I always went here to climb one of the tallest sand dunes, and I would shout anything in my head like a lunatic. No one would hear me; no one would dare to judge me.
When I finally reached the part where no one was close to me in a 10-meter radius, I settled on the edge of the seawall and watched the setting sun. The wind blew with frigid intensity, carrying the smell of the salty sea breeze, creating a series of tendrils over my hair that burst through the tug of the air. As the sun slowly bade its goodbye, the sky bled from burning orange into something purplish.
I could still remember the days when my father was still alive. Every afternoon, after he was done for work, he would take me and my mother to the beach to watch the setting sun. He said it meant so much to him. My parents met when my mother was fresh from heartbreak and was breaking down by the sea, and my father accidentally hit her with a beach volleyball. It was my favorite story. Hindi ako nagsasawang pakinggan iyon galing sa aking ama.
