It was a crisp spring day in Newcastle and although the sun is out it certainly isn't t-shirt weather. I tug my grey coat closer to my body as Ryan, Caleb, Erica and I walk over to Eldon Square. It's a Thursday morning so thankfully there aren't loads of people because the last thing I need is to get claustrophobic in big crowds. It's mostly Caleb and I that want to walk into every store because we are the world's biggest shopaholics whereas Erica and Ryan are more of window shoppers.
"Spring is coming up, I need new spring clothes!" I wail jokingly as I tug on Caleb's arm. It's only been two hours into our shopping trip and both of us already have at least three large bags full of purchases.
"Damn, you are the living definition of 'shop till you drop'!" Ryan laughs as we all stop at a small coffee shop. Erica and Caleb go inside to order drinks as Ryan and I sit down at one of the outdoor tables. I put my bags down at my feet and I turn over to see Ryan smirking at me.
"What?" I ask with a nervous laugh. Was there something on my face? Did a bird just poo on my head?
"Nothing...you're just beautiful." he says casually. I feel my cheeks getting warm at his words, damn I'm so awkward when it comes receiving compliments.
"Er...thanks I guess. So how long have you been a dancer?" I ask, trying to change the subject.
"Oh since as long as I can remember really. My mum has this tape of me when I was five years old dancing to Nsync's 'Bye Bye Bye' and it's the funniest thing I've ever seen!" he laughs.
"That sounds hilarious and I'm definitely going to need a copy of that!" I laugh at the thought of five year old Ryan busting a move to one of the biggest songs of the 90's. We continue to talk about how he became a dancer and I absentmindedly put my elbows on the table to hear his stories. Without thought or warning, his hand accidentally brushes mine in a burst of warmth.
"Oh my God, you're hands are freezing! Here..." he says, taking one of my small hands and sandwiching it in between both of his large ones. It's like he put his hands inside a fire, they're so hot and soft they instantly warm mine up. He repeats this on the other hand as he looks up at me, our eyes locking. I quickly look away in embarrassment when I see him smirk, and I can't help but blush.
"4 hot chocolates coming right up!" Caleb announces as he and Erica walk over, each holding two cups. I hastily separate our hands from each other before Caleb and Erica can see but I know that it's already too late when Caleb purses his lips and raises his eyebrows slyly at me. I grab the cup and let the hot thick beverage warm my entire body, it's exactly what I need right now. I look over to Caleb and Erica who are smirking at each other and I can feel Ryan staring at me from my peripheral vision.
It's 6:00 pm and our plane to Glasgow is departing in 30 minutes. Almost everyone that's part of the DNA tour is waiting in the airport lounge together. I'm sitting and talking to Jesy and Erica when I look up and see Ryan visually asking me to come over to him. I excuse myself from the conversation as I make my way over to Ryan. He's wearing his signature smirk as he watches me walk towards him.
"What's up?" I ask when I finally make it past the other dancers to him. He looks around at all the people near us, grabs my hand and leads me somewhere else. "Ryan, where are you taking me? Hello?" I ask frantically as he continues to pull me away without a word. We turn a corner and he gently pins me against the wall of a small empty room.
"I'm sorry I just...I really like you Marielle..." he manages to say with fear and nervousness in his eyes as our faces get closer. I don't know to think at this moment.
"Ryan..." I begin, my voice barely a whisper. He doesn't give me time to continue as his lips press against mine. I'm frozen in shock: why is Ryan kissing me? His lips are warm and soft so I start to kiss back but there's something missing...I don't feel a spark. I don't feel the fireworks yet so I continue to kiss him, almost trying to force a connection between us but it's just not there. There's something telling me that this is wrong and I know it's that pesky part of my brain that wants Liam and I back together.
I gently push him off me and he stares at me, trying to read my reaction. "Come on, you have to have felt something." he pleads. I close my eyes and slowly shake my head.
"I'm sorry Ryan. You're a really nice guy, but--"
"Yeah I get it...its because you still love that other guy. The guy who makes it complicated. I would never make you feel like that. I can treat you better than he ever did if you just give me a chance." he's practically begging me, I feel so bad for him. I'm actually feeling so many emotions that I can't even think straight; here's this dancer that I've been on tour with for almost three months and we've barely talk then out of nowhere he tries to befriend me and then kisses me? Why does this have to happen to me?
"I can't...I'm not ready to be in a relationship...I still have so much to figure out...I'm sorry..." I say hastily as I rush past him and out the door. What the hell was going on?! I try to act normal as I return back to the airport lounge and join Caleb and Erica. Just as they're about to ask me what's wrong, the announcement that our plane is boarding blares over the speakers. I silently grab my things and line up, barely making eye contact with either of them.
We all board the plane and I take my seat in between Caleb and the window. I know that he wants to ask me what's wrong but I'm thankful he doesn't because I don't even think I can explain what just happened. I look out at the dark sky and try to think about everything that's happened in the past few months. I feel like I'm losing my mind over everything and it's all thanks to one person.
