Falling Again ✔️

Chapter 47

It started with the small things.

The way Jacob's hands would twitch when he thought no one was watching. The way he'd zone out in the middle of a conversation, eyes distant, jaw tight. He'd gotten quieter again- still present, still loving in the moments that mattered- but there was a shadow creeping back into him, and I could feel it. Like a draft in a warm room. Cold, subtle, undeniable.

At first, I told myself not to overthink it. That maybe he was just having a bad week. But the feeling didn't go away.

I found him in the kitchen one night, leaning against the counter, staring at the floor like it had offended him. The fridge was still open, the milk left on the counter. His fingers were digging into the edge of the sink.

I approached slowly, my heart already in my throat. "Jacob?"

His head snapped up. "Yeah."

"You okay?"

Jacob nodded too quickly. "Yeah, just tired."

I didn't say anything. I just watched him. The tiredness in his eyes wasn't the kind that sleep could fix. Taking a deep breath, I buried my nerves and bit the bullet. "Jacob... I've noticed things lately."

Jacob tensed, his jaw clenched and his knuckles white. "What do you mean?"

"You're restless. Distant. You haven't been eating properly and you've been avoiding people. I'm not accusing you of anything, I just-" I stepped closer, reaching for his hand. "-I'm worried."

Jacob's nostrils flared, but the knot in my stomach didn't ease. "I believe you want to be okay. But you don't have to pretend with me. If it's hard- if you're struggling- I want you to tell me."

Jacob turned away, running a hand through his hair. "You think I don't know that? I think about it all the time- how I can't screw this up, how I have to stay clean, for you, for me, for everything. And I am doing that. So just... please don't make this harder than it already is."

His voice cracked at the edges, frustration bleeding through. I flinched, not because I was afraid, but because I knew that tone. I'd heard it in rehab, in Jacob, in the back of my mind when I couldn't reach him.

Still, I nodded. Slowly. Carefully.

"Okay." I said softly. "Okay, I'll drop it."

Jacob's shoulders sagged like he'd been holding his breath. "Thank you." But as he turned away and busied himself with putting the milk back in the fridge, I stood there, staring at his back. Every part of me wanted to believe him.

***

Jacob sat on the edge of our bed, hunched over, staring at his hands. His knuckles were white. I stood in the doorway, watching him silently for a while. He didn't know I was there, and his shoulders were trembling.

I didn't say a word. I just crossed the room and sat down beside him, wrapping my arms around him from behind, pressing my cheek against the curve of his spine. Jacob flinched at first before letting out a long, slow breath like he'd been holding it for days.

"I love you." I whispered. "Even when it's hard. Even when you feel like you're losing the fight."

Jacob doesn't say anything, but he reached for my hand, gripping it like it was the only thing keeping him tethered.

Finally, he responded with, "I love you too, baby." He squeezed my hand. "I'm sorry."

I dreaded what he was sorry for, but I chose to trust him. To give him all of me and hope that was enough for him to stay with me. To not stray. "It's okay, my love." I whispered. "You don't have to be sorry."

"But I am." He whispered, and I felt my eyes welling up. I pressed my cheek further into his back, hoping the comfort would stop me from balling my eyes out. "I know this isn't what you expected from me. From our future."

Jacob doesn't seem to understand that I'll take him however I can get him. Broken, whole, in the middle. He is my Jacob Rickson. He is the love of my life and I need him in my life. I'm not sure how I would survive without him, which is why he cannot leave me. He cannot say goodbye to me.

"My future includes you, Jacob. That's enough for me."

"It shouldn't be enough, baby. You deserve more. You deserve better."

"I deserve you, Jacob. All you can give me."

"No." He shakes his head, dropping it. I swallowed the lump in my throat, forcing down the urge to vomit. "I'll just hold you back. You deserve better."

"Jacob." I say, as sternly as I can. I'm sitting up now, turning his head to face me. She'd tears coloured his eyes and a tremble met his lips. Fuck. He makes me want to cry my eyes out. This is so fucking sad, all of this.

And I can only blame myself, because I'm the reason we're here.

"I want you. I love you." I tell him, my voice shaking. Jacob stared at me, his gaze flicking across my face. "I'm here forever, okay? I'm not going anywhere, and I'm certainly not letting you deal with all of this by yourself."

A single tear drops down Jacob's cheek.

"You've done the hard part, okay? You got clean, and I'm so fucking proud of you. More than I could ever put into words." My thumb caressed his cheek, brushing away the tear as I pressed our foreheads together, my eyes fluttering to a close. "You're a good man, Jacob. You're so fucking good that sometimes I wonder if I'll ever deserve your goodness."

He shakes his head, but I only hold him tighter. "You're good. So innately good, Jacob. I fucking love every single piece of you and I will continue to do that until the day I fucking die."

"Fuck." Jacob whispers, his body shaking slightly. "I love you. So much, Aria."

"I know, baby." I whispered. "I know."