Falling Again ✔️

Chapter 54

I found out I was pregnant two weeks after Jacob's funeral. And it broke my heart even more. He's never going to meet his child. Our child is never going to know how amazing their father was.

Recently, even six months later, I keep having dreams about Jacob. If he was still alive, and how our life would have panned out with a child. In all honesty, they were nightmares.

Right now, I'm visiting his grave, to tell him about the past week. I trudged through the field, spotting his gravestone near the back.

Son, best friend, brother, lover, father.
Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us everyday.

I sat down, leaning against the stone.

"Hey, my love." I say, my voice breaking. "I've got a lot to tell you." A tear slips out of my eye.

"I had another ultrasound scan today." My lips tremble at the memory. "The doctor asked me about the father, and... I wish you were there, with me. I don't think I can do this by myself, Jacob." I sob, pressing a palm onto the side of his grave.

"I'm not ready to be a mother. I'm not ready to have a kid; not without you. This baby is gonna grow up without a dad." I press my spare hand to my belly. There's a child growing inside of me. A baby. Jacob's baby. "I don't wanna be alone." I whimper.

"I'm so scared." I admit, not only to Jacob, but to myself. "I'm scared that I'm gonna fail, and let this baby down. Let you down. I don't- I can't do this. Not without you."

I tell myself that he's beside me, he'll always be beside me. Watching me from above. Waving down, and telling me that everything is going to be okay.

As much as I fear that it'll all come crashing down, I hope that in the end, I'll find it in me to live for our baby.

***

Jacob's lips touch my slightly swollen belly, and he wraps his arms around my hips. I smile, because this is my life. I'm pregnant, and my boyfriend is here and alive and ready to be a father. Yes, he may be addicted to drugs, but he is trying to be better for the sake of our baby. So he can live to see their beautiful face.

"I love you. Already." He whispers to my belly, stroking the skin with his fingers. "I love you so, so, so much." Jacob mumbles, kissing my belly multiple times over.

Then, he stands up, coming face-to-face with me. He presses his lips to my forehead and gives me a hug. "And, I love you." He says into my hair.

"Thank God." I laugh. "I was beginning to doubt you."

Jacob leans down, smacks my ass and pinches it between his fingers. "Hey!" I scold, pressing my palms to his chest. "I'm in no mood to get frisky with you, Jacob."

"Damn." He sarcastically whispers. "No sex for nine months? How will I survive?"

"You survived for two years, I'm sure nine months is like amateur work for you."

"Hmm." He mumbles, pressing his lips to my mine. He kisses me over and over, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me closer. I curl my hands around his neck and run my hands through his dark hair.

"I love you, Jacob." I whisper into his mouth. "I love you so goddamn much."

I wake up with a gasp. Another nightmare.

I rub my hands over my face, trembling with fear and grief. His face still plagued my mind, his soul still ran circles around my heart, his lips were imprinted in my chest. I couldn't get him out of my head. I didn't want to. In some sick, messed up way, I didn't want the nightmares to end. I wanted them to stay with me till the day that I die.

I feel sick. Jumping out of bed, I run to the bathroom in the en suite and hurl my guts out into the toilet. Holding my hair back, I grip the edge of the toilet seat with my spare hand and gag, the smell of my own vomit filling my nostrils.

Tears sprung to my eyes and my vision blurs as they slowly fall down my face. I struggle to breathe, and my chest heaved up and down from the pressure. Clutching my stomach, I slowly get to my feet and turn on the shower.

Wiping my tears, I bottle up all the emotions that are screaming to be let out and strip off my clothes. Slowly getting under the warm water, I run my hands over my face and through my hair.

Expectedly, my mind travels straight to Jacob. I imagine his beautiful, brown eyes and his fluffy, curly hair. His plump lips and dimples. His kisses. His hugs. His touch.

I miss everything about him. I miss his laughter and his calming words and the way he blushes whenever he got embarrassed. I miss the words he tattooed to his chest for me and the way he'd call me honey. I miss his cringe pet names and his warm hands tracing my skin.

But, most of all, I miss his love. The love that filled me up until I almost burst. The love that kept me going. The love that, even after two years, still ran through his veins. The love that thawed my cold heart. I just miss him. All of him.

I want nothing more than for Jacob to stand next to me, again. To put his hands on my belly and promise our child a great future. To whisper promises of an eternal love into my ear and hold me until the end of time. I want nothing more than for Jacob to know that I still and will always love him. I want him to know that he will always hold my heart in his hands, and I will always need him.

I'll love you forever, Jacob. I'll need him forever. I'll want him forever. I'll remember him forever. I'll hold on to the fact that he's watching over me and our child from above. He's telling us that everything's going to be alright. He's telling us how much he loves us every time the sun shines. And, every time it rains, he's reassuring us that there's light at the other side. We just have to be patient.

I'll love you forever, Jacob. Don't forget it.