I’ve never considered myself religious, in fact I use to fall asleep during religious education, but I’ve noticed that when facing death people turn to religion. Because I guess when the doctors fail, there’s always the belief of there being something better. For me though there isn’t. When I first found out I had leukaemia, my mum turned to religion. She brought a ton of books on all the different religions, she even went through a hippy faze where she brought candles and meditated and everything. Anything she would say to make her little girl better. But I guess none of them worked, as I still have leukaemia and I only have 10 weeks left to live.
Knowing you are about to die is a funny feeling, it’s like going on a roller-coaster and just before you go down that feeling you get at the top, when the world is below you. Or it’s like knowing there is only one yogurt left in the fridge. Okay I have to admit that one’s a little silly, but it’s what my best friends little sister says death is. However she still thinks clouds are made out of cotton candy so maybe she isn’t the best person to ask about death. Sarah believes that when I die, I’ll go into heaven to be with her grandparents. I believe that when I shut my eyes for that very last time, there will be nothing to open them for again. And that’s what scaring my parents so much. They can cope with me being ill but never coming back to them, is something they never wanted to face. Dying isn’t scary for me though. I want to die. This leukaemia has taken enough of my life. I am no longer Alexis Moore of Blackburn High, I am patient number 12 in Blackburn Hospital.
I use to run for the track team, and be on nearly every club at school, but when I got ill all that ended. I use to have a group of friends, but when I got ill all that ended. I guess being friends with a girl who is going to die isn’t the best image. But I don’t blame them, I know that the school psychologist has spoken to my friends about saying good-bye to me. Or saying ‘farewell’ so I can move to a better place as she said it. I wanted to say something to her, but my mum said it wouldn’t be wise to cause trouble, on my last day of school.
So leukaemia hasn’t only taken my health, it’s taken my life. My friends and family have gone. No one wants to know the dying girl. At first flowers and chocolates came, but the chemo made me too sick to eat them, so they ended up the bin. After a month or so, no one else bothered. I had been completely forgotten with my generation. Mia, my only friend, says that people don’t talk about me anymore. That my seat in lessons is now full, my place at lunch is no longer vacant, and my place on all of the teams has been replaced. I am completely gone from school and soon to be life.
But I’m not dying right now. I will decide when I want to die. This is my life and I will leave it when I want too. So come on cancer see if you can take me down. I dare you.
