Fading Out

Chapter 17

Daisy's POV

"Stupid, pushy, hypocrite." I keep muttering insults to him, even if they don't really apply, as I sit on the roof of the house. I feel way too incensed to even smile at the lovely sight. The night seems to be almost over and I finally let the beauty of the sight drive away my inner turmoil. How could I not have enjoyed such simple treasures while alive? I wonder and then, with my attention distracted from the view, feel the guilt and pain arise within me as I remember why the things took a bad turn.

I try not let it consume me, like it used to before, but I let the memories run their course. I steel myself to not react to the screams, to the sight as I tried fruitlessly to avert the damage. I still remember the terror in their eyes and I have to force myself to remember what happened next. The way their charred bodies had looked when the fire was put out. How the authorities had been puzzled by the fire and I had to scare them into leaving this place alone after they had taken the remains away. I try to control myself but when I finally return to the present and find my eyes shut, I know without any doubt that I failed.

"I am so sorry. You two know that, don't you? I didn't mean to." I say out loud to the night sky, knowing that even if they hear me, no one alive can hear my words. Not even Nick. At the mere thought of his name, I flinch as I remember his tone. He had been angry and trying to be respectful towards the victims, he had reasoned. But I had heard the hurt in his tone as well, recognizing what a shock it must have been to him to realize that I was capable of such a thing too. Did he realize, though, that the guilt of this was the reason why she hadn't tried to free herself from this prison? That, by only forgetting this in his company, she had been willing to give her freedom a chance?

I was a killer and killers deserved no mercy. After all, hadn't I haunted Selena in her cell as well, driving her to insanity? Hadn't I ensured she received the full punishment? So why should I not be punished? And if fading out was my punishment, why should I try to run from it? I reasoned with myself, feeling conflicted by the guilt and the desire to be free.

"Daisy! Where are you?" Nick frantically searches for me within the house and the shout yanks me out of this unhappy state of mind I had been sinking into. No, if I have to make my choice, I need to do this on my own. No one else can help me or I will never really let go of this guilt.

I let the outer façade of the place crumble a little without affecting the insides. My mind reasons that I am doing this to avoid giving Nick any sort of hint about my present location. My heart knows that it is because the outside is a lie and I just can't bring myself to risk the inside just for some soul-searching. Anyhow, the release of control gives me just enough magical power to summon the illusion of scales and grey pebbles. As I would confess, the pebbles would turn either white, signifying goodness, or black, signifying my darkness. I have them such that each of them would resize themselves according to the weight of the situation, uninfluenced by my personal feelings regarding the manner.

"It's time to face your judgement, Daisy McCain." I speak to myself and then let my judgement begin. I pick up one of the pebbles and start the first confession. "Killing two people in my house in a fire accident that I lost control of. The fire started as an accident and the victims suffered a lot before dying." The pebble grows very heavy and black and I place it on the scales while wondering if I can compensate for it at all.

The hand then picks another pebble and I make a second confession that is deeply entwined with the first one. "I dropped the chandelier on the two who got stuck in the fire once their death was inevitable. It killed them off instantly. They didn't suffer while their bodies charred." The now whitened pebble counters the weight of the black and I see the black lose some of the dominance of the scales.