Looking for true love

Chapter 5

'What happend last night ,Patrick?'

'What am I doing here? How did I get in your bed?', Kevin asked awkwardly.

'You don't remember?'

'The last thing I remember was me being in a bar..'

'Well, apparently you were very drunk and then you passed out . Richie was there, he saw you and brought you here.'

'Richie? Oh fuck..Right..so it wasn't a dream? '

'No. But don't worry about it.it's fine.'

'Did he say anything else?', Kevin remembered parts of his uncontrolled meltdown and feared Richie told him all about it.

'He just said you were very direct,that you said alot of stupid stuff and that you were very very drunk.'

'OK... Well I'm sorry you had to..'

'It's nothing..', Patrick interrupted. 'Actually Kevin, it's a good thing you're here. I've been thinking about us all night and..', Patrick said quietly unable to look at his eyes.

Kevin got slowly out of Patrick's bed and sat next to him. He looked at Patrick and waited for him to say the inevitable but Patrick remained silent.

'Just say it..Say it's over', Kevin stared at him.

'Kevin, I want you to know that this is not easy for me. But, at the end of the day I had to ask myself a simple question..'

'and what question was that?', Kevin asked anxiously.

'I asked myself if being with you feels right.And as much as I love you. And I do. The fact that you slept with someone else so soon just confirmed what I already knew. We are so diffrent, Kevin. And I just can't be with you feeling like that.having doubts.'

'Ok... I get it.', Kevin whisperd.' I'll just go now.', Kevin got up and his voice broke.

'Wait, what? Don't you have anything you want to say? You're just gonna go?', Patrick got up as well.

'No. Not really. I'm done talking. Fighting. Chasing..'

Patrick stared at Kevin and looked at him.

'What? You seem surprised that I'm not trying to persuade you to not end this.', Kevin said quietly.

'No..it's just that i'm a little surprised that you don't have anything to say..'

'What good will that do? Will it help me if I told you that guy meant nothing? That I couldn't stop thinking about you through the all thing, that I wished he was you, that I can't even remember his name, that I've been with him only to feel better because I was fucking miserable because I thought I lost you?', Kevin breathed heavily.

'Come on. You expect me to believe that you thought of me the all time you had sex with him?', Patrick raised his eyebrows.

'You see. I tell you all those things and that's what you ask me?? You just can't believe me, can you? You know it's really sad, Patrick. You underestimate yourself so fucking much. You just can't believe someone can love you like that. Or maybe you do. Just not me. Either way it doesn't matter anymore does it?'

'I'm sorry . I do believe you love me. I do. But, i wish being with you felt right. That I could see us together with no doubts. But I can't. As much as I want to. That's the truth and I have to follow my gut'.

'It's ok Patrick. It really is. You do what feels right for you. just don't expect me to keep fighting for us if you feel this way. I wouldn't want you to be with me and have doubts. I know what it's like to feel incomplete and have doubts in a relathionship.'