drafted thoughts (30 Days Challenge/CPN)

21

"No matter how hard I try,
no matter what I do,
it's never good enough.
I don't even know why I keep trying."

>>> JOURNAL ENTRY FROM ONE YEAR AGO <<<

2/3/15

9:14pm

Saying I'm worried sick about, is an understatement!

She hasn't answered ANY of my calls!

She's hardly been replying to anything I say or ask by email.

If anything, all I get are one word emails, or two to three lines of basic word sentences if blessed. And yet...she's still found time to update her profile picture thrice in the past week, change her status exactly ten minutes ago?! Yet when I message a minute later, I get no response????

I wish I could hit fast forward and skip to April so I could finally confront her, but in a way, I'm also grateful March is only just starting.

April doesn't only mean my best friend, Farah's return from California, but also welcomes the arrival of my deadline of coursework for my psychology degree. (Which, FYI, I haven't even started on!!!!!!!!)

Dad just walked in and asked me what I was doing. I replied I was writing which was clearly obvious, with pencil and paper infront of me...but then he continued to ask 'what' I was writing.

As exposed as I felt, I replied, "Journal Stuff"

Kissing of teeth was his response, and a firm request to switch the lights off and go to bed.

I wonder how different my life would play out without words...nobody seems to understand how important they are (to me), to communicate (through my writing), unless of course they share a similar burning passion for the written word too.

Did I mention I was worried about Farah? Well...I am.

I emailed her last night asking how she was, not expecting a reply of course because that's just standard nowadays.

I just hope that 1) she's alright and 2) she forgets the 3rd.

By 'the third' I'm referring to the 3rd day of this month. My birthday.

Not that we ever celebrate it but she's always the one who always seems to be the one who makes a big fuss over it.

I honestly don't know how I'll react if she calls.

I hope she doesn't ask to Skype either.

What would be the absolute bare minimum and bearable PERHAPS, is if she emails...because anything further than that would mean *kind me* being grateful, pretending and having to act like nothing that's happened recently, has happened!

I don't want her to think she can just waltz in and out of my life whenever she feels like it and expect to find me the same way that she left me.

But, in a way, if she does try to contact me...the worst that can happen is she's really sweet and says she's sorry right?

It's not like she'll turn up at our house and I'd be forced to spend the day with her despite wanting nothing else but to disappear.

IF she's planning that, which I doubt she is, then I hope it doesn't work out.

I hope she can't make it in time. *sigh* I know, i probably sound ridiculous...she's my best friend after all...but can you honestly blame me?

After everything? I never asked for the world, but maybe in a way, hoping she'd at least try a little to acknowledge I still matter to her, was just as close...

I can't write any more, my fingers hurt.

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Author's Note : Ironically, this chapter is an old draft.

Let's see if there are more to come or if an end will finally be reached?

Stay tuned, and may good things come your way when you least expect it 💛