. d r a f t . e i g h t e e n .

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"

numb.
shivering.
purple blue fingertips.
quivering lips.
dizzy spells of spins.
i can feel my mind shutting
d
o
w
n
.

as if it, were a tangible thing
in the palm of my hand.
i watch,
as it begins, to switch
o f f

s l
o w
l y ,

then,
all at once
i can no longer grasp it,
hold it, anything.
it (everything)
has slipped through
my sweaty,
clumsy, careless fingers.

"

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"

***

My mind was brimming with questions.

And yet more than ever,

I wished everything were a dream,

So that I could wake up,

pretend I never saw him.

"

I came for the funeral...

Mum and dad didn't know...

...

I knew something about your past they wanted you to forget...they never had the right to keep it from you. To make you think it wasn't a big deal.

"

I can't remember what my brother said after that, because I couldn't quite remember how to breathe.

It seemed like such a straightforward thing to do before my chest felt constricted,
my chest weighed down, by some invisible boulder.

We do it all the time after all, don't we?

In,
o u t
in,
o u t

But then everything went really really, hazy
then really, r e a l l y D a R k ,
right before I, think, I

b L a C k e D

O u T
.

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