Stuck on the puzzle

That night

Alex's perspective

That night, she killed me. The moment I clenched my fists, I felt like maybe I really will lose control and let my hand fly to her and knock her off. That's when I realized that maybe I do actually have something from my father. There's only one difference: I did not hit her, after all.

Losing control makes you wanna fight back. And because you are losing control, you don't fight back correctly. I almost lost myself, even though I should have been the one to keep things together. I know it's hard for her and I could have at least kept my temper. She would have eventually got through.

The last question of the night wasn't the kind of question anyone wants to end a beautiful day like the one we had with. And my inability of answering her lingered in the air until she fell asleep, pressed on our hearts like stone hammers. If that shit oxygen tank is back, then things are going bad again.

When she wakes up, her back is still against me. I couldn't sleep last night so I just laid and watched her hair, since her pretty face was turned away. I watched her spine shiver in soundless tears and guarded her shoulder, rising and falling everytime she'd breathe. The sun bursted in the room through the windows and a ray laid on her face. I wanted to be a god so that I could move it away and let her sleep the dreamless sleep, in which she wouldn't have to face a monster like me, in which nobody would question her survival chances. Her body went stiff at some point and I couldn't count her rhythmic breathings anymore. She was controlling them. After what felt like forever, she raised to her feet and didn't even look at me. She went to the bathroom and got out in the shirt I had carelessly threw there last night. It reached her mid-thigh.

"I'm sorry." I say, reaching for her hand as she passes by. She stops but still doesn't look at me. "I'm sorry, love." I shudder and shatter as I say those words.

"Don't be. You did nothing wrong." She whispers, her lips trembling. "I'll order some pizza, ok? Afterwards, we can start unpacking." She adds, her voice steady, her eyes meeting mine. She smiles faintly, waiting for an answer.

"Ok, love."

She kneels in front of her troller and pulls out some clothes for herself and I manage to get out of bed, my head pounding.

"Alex... I love you."

You don't love me. You wouldn't love the monster inside, I say to myself.

"I love you too. Let's forget it even happened, ok?" I say, getting her the pills she's been taking for such a long time now. She swallows them without water, one by one. She remembers she doesn't have her cannula in her nose as her fingers trail on her cheeks, looking for it.

"Do you need it?" I ask, stepping next to the bed, almost reaching for the tank's handle.

"I do. But I'll try without it." She manages a smile and I take her in my arms and give her a long kiss.

"I need that air, you know." She says after she pulls away.

"Sorry."

She gives me a cheeky smile and, after an hour, we do start putting things in order.

"The equipment is coming today." I say, putting my few books (compared to her hundreds) in the living room's book case.

Phoebe and I established that we will definitely have a house that has two extra rooms. Mainly because we thought it would be very cool if we'd both have a corner for ourselves and because having other people sleep over at your place is ridiculously fun. However, after convincing Phoebe of allowing me to make a little studio out of my room, I spent a week searching the web for new guitars, microphones, a keyboard, a drum set.